Am sorry, I really am
10th October 2018 Wednesday
So yesterday had a call with sister around 12am, basically I wanted to ask her if I should still keep my masters plan in pipeline? I mean there’s a home loan, if I go, who’s gonna pay EMI and mom will have to stay alone at home, education loan ain’t gonna be easy either. Last year also I applied for colleges and there was a similar discussion on how we are gonna manage things, which I really had no answer to. I realise this now that I don’t really think things through, zero future foresight. I’ve been always like this, this time even I’m not so confident about going and I have learnt it the hard way that I need to plan a little ahead. If I had little foresight, would have never did that “note thing” to her.
Anyway, conversation went like this…
…It’s better to come to US on a job rather than for MS, so try for a US relocation via company. I told her that I am still trying to prepare for interviews and looking for a switch. She said, stop doing that and stay in this job for some time. At the moment you don’t have any options, neither any college acceptance or job opportunities, so “first do, then think”. And I was like, it’s funny, this is exactly what I have been doing and that is what ended me here.
After all that discussion, she asked again why are you still looking for a job change, didn’t you wanna come back to the same job? So eventually I told her the entire story, everything day one — that I had crush on a girl in team and how I gave a note to her when she just joined and last day when I tried forcing an expensive gift on to her along with a serious note and how she reacted and now it’s escalated till manager and team members know I think.
Sis was like, in all this she acted very maturely. I expected sis to say “not to get into all this and focus on career” but surprisingly she didn’t say any of that. She suggested if you feel so embarrassed, you should go talk to her. Sis helped with what all to say to her, like…
“I am not sorry for how I felt at the moment but I am really sorry for the things I did and putting you through awkward situations. I didn’t come back because of you rather it was Mumbai and adjustment issues. You don’t need to worry if I am gonna do something stupid again and would really like if things can go back to normal”
She told to talk to her once and sort this out. I told her, the way things have been going for me in September, I’m really worried whatever I am gonna do it’s just gonna bite me in the end and I may not be able to speak so well in-front of her or maybe I should ask Rajat before talking to her. I told sis about all the parts, how manager reacted and most of the things I wrote in note, although I didn’t tell her that I still feel super low at times and that, there were suicidal thoughts at times.
Sis was like “these things happen, you need to let go and not think too much about any of this”. I am like, why is everyone like this? Priya was like 2 years down the line you are gonna think about all of this and laugh. Rajat was like, these are very minor things you are making it big and now even sis is like these are small things. Then what are bigger things? I guess, I don’t wanna find out.
Today woke up feeling low and ruminating, still followed the routine- temple, breakfast and ended up writing this, gonna go to gym now. I did wanna go to annual meet though and now I’m not sure what I’m gonna do today.
6:37PM
After that thought will code some or study algorithms but ended up roaming around in office and wasted time. Oh, I was sitting at 1st floor and saw this pretty girl sitting in a corner at library, gave her a compliment note, a decent one, saying “you look really pretty! never mind just a guy tryna compliment, have a wonderful day”. I didn’t leave my name or anything on note otherwise she will think guy is trying approach, I just wanted to let her know that she’s pretty. Anyway, after that, was sitting at 4th floor and mind wandered off to all her mess and felt very low, so left from there, came back home.
I am thinking if I should talk to her tomorrow and tell her how sorry I am for doing all that and maybe if we can be friends again or … there’s no point in doing any of it, I don’t know,… It’s better not to do anything tomorrow, my time’s not good.
All I am looking for her is to say “it’s ok! I forgive you” and that’s it, nothing more.
