And it happened
18th June 2019 Tuesday
11:28PM
Today had a meeting with Sharath(new manager), he was asking “what are your future plans, like higher education or something”. So I told him I have admits from UC Davis and Univ. of Arizona, I booked my visa date yesterday and have appointment for 24th July. Then we had discussion around when to drop papers and all… and couple of other things.
It’s like reality is starting to settle in, like I do have to go, it’s about time to drop papers and quit. And to be honest Im’ not sure... I might panic again for not seeing her for so long like Mumbai and it’s killing me. It makes me feel so helpless.
I know it’s wrong to think like this, hell why do I know it’s wrong. Why can’t I just be happy and not such a cry baby all the time, why can’t I ever feel happy…
There was a moment today when I walked right past by her and I couldn’t even look towards her because it still feels so embarrassing. I guess I still have feelings for her and my psychiatrist told me not to talk to her unless I have moved on but it’s been so long, I wanna talk to her, I wanna look at her, I wanna look at her and not feel so embarrassed, not feel like I am doing something wrong, some sense of acceptance.
It’s like every love song I hear, every couple I see, it reminds me of her and in crowd I keep looking for her as if she’s gonna show up any moment, keep waiting for a call as if she’s gonna call, what the fuck’s wrong with me.
And I don’t know why I’m doing any of the stuff I do, why the gym, why the office, why the MS and all this pain, what does it matter if she’s not around, all I wanna do is drink and smoke and all I end up doing is taking these sleeping pills.
Please forgive me. I’m sorry.
2:46AM
And I don’t know what’s wrong but I just can’t stop thinking about her, it’s the same thoughts over and over again as if I have gone insane, it’s fucking torture.
My head is all sorts of messed up, I guess I need to go back to my psychologist.
19th June 2019 Wednesday
Today was a really weird day, like there was nothing wrong actually or nothing bad happened but it felt really really sad, like I would cry, it felt like I’m losing my mind.
I know from a long time that there’s something wrong with me but I just can’t put my finger on it, it’s like something’s missing but I can’t figure out what it is… it’s just all very overwhelming. It’s like everyday is a new sort of low, everyday I think, this is it! I cannot take it anymore and eventually I wake up the next day, to feel like yesterday was okay.
22June 19 Saturday
2:08AM
It has been a series of sad days since Tuesday and it eventually happened this Thursday night ‘the crying’. I never thought I actually will, after all the stuff I had been through in past, but it’s okay, it’s all just been too much.
The feeling didn’t go, it’s still stuck, I thought it will help me feel some kind of lightness. I don’t remember a lot of dates like birthday or events but last time I snapped like this was 8th July 2008. And I thought I will definitely ping her Friday to talk to her but she didn’t come and it’s okay, I guess I will ping her Monday.
We all office guys went to a colleagues’ place this Friday evening, he has a nice apartment, a balcony with a nice view and everything and for a moment over there I thought how happy life could be, living in a place like this, a fine evening, with her by my side. It’s not like I like to think this way or I intentionally play on these thoughts, it’s just my crappy brain pops them up out of nowhere and likes to fuck with me. Anyway, it feels pretty helpless and miserable all the time.
She may not be my first crush(or last) but she’s the only one I ever really cried for.
