And the one I felt all the right for

13th April 21

I truly desperately miss her, and I really beg with each passing moment to see her once. The truth is, I can lie all that I want, with time I’ve moved on, or with time eventually I will, but at the end of fucking day, here I am, still thinking about her.

I was trying to search her on corporate’s slack channel couple of days back and I couldn’t find her and it hit me, did she resign or quit already? for couple of mins I was in this foray, I tried looking at other places, all her corporate contact’s were gone, which did mean she left this job and her last day is done, so accounts are purged. This whole scenario made me really sad, and the scenario that I was already sick from past couple of days didn’t help much either.

I went out that night, bought a scotch and tried to drown all of it, which didn’t help either. I cried to some bits that night and eventually watched some videos and dozed off. I don’t remember much.

I can still see her on insta, she doesn’t post much nowadays, I guess this quarantine and work from home gets to everybody, well I always knew this was gonna happen but still why do I still see her like she’s the only one. I mean I’m gonna get married, I’m almost 29 and still I’m so much fcuked up.

18th April 21

N I don’t know how come I like you so much, for all I remember, we just used to go to cafeteria occasionally, I never expected I would feel like this for you.

Now there are days, when I think to leave my job, leave all of it behind and reach out to you, ask you, beg you to listen to me for once, just for once and tell you all of it, well atleast what I can. Ask you , for what I don’t know, tell you what I don’t know, but may be that will give me some peace, and then maybe I can go to some mountain for couple of years.

And shifting to Noida, wfh, is finally getting to me, I don’t have much to distract myself these days and I start imagining all the things that could’ve been, regretting all the decisions and foolish acts. I guess, I’m one of those guys who don’t have much confidence, we are rarely ever sure about anything, we doubt all our actions, decision and ourselves but one thing I am always sure about is you, as if like you’re the one for me.

I just wanna talk to you N, I’m honestly tired of writing things here. I never had much in this shitty life and I don’t have much expectations from it either, if this all just gets lost over a random url over the internet, that’s okay, it’s all shit anyway without N.

Did I tell around March a prospect came for marriage? The girl worked in an MNC at Gurgaon, she was okay, but I don’t know, it all just feels off, like there’s something wrong, something missing, I don’t wanna ruin someone else’s life just because of all my mess, I have no right to do that to anybody. And the one I felt all the right for, she wouldn’t listen to me, would she.

I don’t know man, I just don’t wanna be sad, I just don’t wanna miss her.

25th April 21

Hey N, is everything all good at your end? with the lockdown and covid around, at times I just wanna ask you if you're doing okay, how was your day. Just to knowing if things are okay. For all I care the whole world’s spiralling down in this chaos of virus, political economic failure, utter social disaster, the little thought of knowing you,… I don’t know man, I’m not some smart guy, I’m just trying to get by, and at times thought of you, little memories of you help, I think it’s getting to me. I don’t know why you left the job, why you deleted half your instagram posts, or why any of it, then I ask does it even matter to me? How do you get rid of these feelings man!