Archive1

Of course I like you, I like how your lips curl when you smile a little, I like how you giggle in that voice when you try to disguise a laugh, I like your eye lashes, I like your soft hands, holding them, I like how easily I can tell you all the things without feeling judged, I like how you look at me like I’m some sort of chandelier, and don’t even get me started on our physical, how intense your every move is, makes me feel like I’m not even me anymore.Sorry for staring at you while you were sleeping, it made me cry, you’re leaving tomorrow and I don’t want you to, I know it sounds stupid but it is. And there was a point when you didn’t talk to me because of some stupid word regret, please don’t do that, you’ve no idea how shitty it made me feel, may be I can explain you why it is, someday I will tell you how I have a past relating to it but till then please be gentle around. I’m trying, I’m trying, I don’t get it why I’m still crying

4th Aug 2021

And she called today, telling me that she had couple of past relations and none of them ever lasted long, longest one she had was just more than a year, so she’s not sure where this is gonna go.

I did tell her when we met at Delhi, before getting into physical like I’m at a age where I’m looking for something serious, if she’s not seeing someone, may be we can see each other for sometime and if it all goes well eventually meet each other’s parents, of course I don’t want to put any pressure on her to take a call so early because she still has time in her life to decide all this, just because I don’t, doesn’t make it fair to ask her. She was okay with it, she wasn’t seeing and I had the best 2 days of my life I would say, I was chatting yesterday and she said “I know starting phase is so dreamy”

Then we had call revolving around this, I was telling her how this guy was there in the company, who also had so many short relations. I’ve heard him ranting for hours on and on about how he feels guilty for doing it in the first place, he can never figure out why his relations never work out and now he has to get married and breakup with the the girl he’s seeing at the moment. The thing is from a guy’s perspective listening to this, it’s easy to figure out what the problem is, you can tell them what’s wrong but that doesn’t change anything. At the end he saw 3–4 prospects for a marriage while in middle of breaking up and he used to tell me how his girlfriend cries and shouts on all this and in parallel he was seeing others prospects, never telling them his past. What does it matter, I don’t know why I brought it up, maybe I shouldn’t have.

And then I told her, it’s okay, there’s no pressure on her, I told her my side already (that day in Delhi) and it’s still the same even after knowing this, I’m serious for her and we can take time and if it’s all good, get parents involved and figure out marriage, if she’s not okay she can tell. She said she has the same intention but just wanted to put it out there, not keep me in the dark, I said, I appreciate it. Although I did ask, if she’s trying to be polite and I’m not picking some hint, she said no, it’s not that. Then she asked are you still okay with it even after knowing all this? I said, look the way we had physical I can figure out stuff, I may not have said it out loud but I can figure I expected some bits of it, it’s okay. I told her about the Lone Ranger quote “it must be hard for young people they don’t have much experience how to deal with pain” so I can handle it, she doesn’t have to worry.

The parts I didn’t tell her was that it hurt, it hurt like hell and I already know it’s gonna hurt when she’s gonna walk away, and I know how miserable it’s gonna make me feel. She is my first kiss, of course I will have dreams of her for the life but yes I’m gonna survive at least till `22 then I already have plans. In introspective, why I chose her? no I didn’t, if she would’ve been my friend, I would have told her that she can do so much better, she can get a much taller handsome guy, she has worked in dream companies, has a way better career, she will easily have a far better guy for marriage, I would not even come close in any of this. I don’t deserve her by a lot but would I keep her a priority, yes all my life, would I try, heck I will try. But I know she wants a exciting guy and I’m always gonna be a boring sorta person, I’m the definition of boring, I can’t change who I am, I’ve tried dear, I have.

It took me quite some time to make myself believe, whatever belongs to me will find me, what I don’t deserve I won’t have, but now having her in my life, I feel I’m gonna fight, make every effort to keep her by my side, I’m so damn scared to loose her.

And I’m prepping for tomorrow ’s interview so I couldn’t talk much to her, or give her time, it’s just that in sab chutiyap ke wajah se I don’t want her to feel distant, like we start drifting apart and not feel that connection, for the things that don’t matter I don’t wanna loose the one person that matters most. And to cherry it up, I suck at communication and expressing my feelings. She gets bored easily so I feel she must be trying really hard to work it out with a guy like me and that makes me feel bit sad, the little thread which she has offered me I don’t want it slipping away.

For what it’s worth, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I’m not a tall, smart, funny guy, I don’t have much to talk to, I feel I bore you, but I do like you, a lot lot, I get a feeling you don’t feel the same way I feel for you and it’s okay, I understand. There’s always a side who falls deep in and they are the ones who burn, but I don’t wanna be your guilty case, I wanna see you free, explore things around, be wild and colourful, I was a lost cause anyway, I’m just grateful to have ever met you and I will always cherish that in my heart. You’re more than I ever deserve, you are more than I ever wished for. I’ve prayed and cried at times on my knees to have something like this, to have someone like you in my life. I miss you Ad*, in a world full of stars you’re my moon.

I think I’m having a little problem adjusting to this new found happiness, I mean I’ve always lived in my sad miserable state, that’s my comfort zone and to wrap my head around the stuff like I would be living with her for a month, that’s like offering a billion bucks to a street beggar, of course the poor guy’s gonna loose his mind. So let’s have some attenuation and keep the transition smooth. I was thinking of seeing a psychologist, to figure out how to handle all this happiness, is this all really happening to me or I’ve lost it and imagining stuff, can I really be this lucky to have found you.

I hate your apathy, I get it you’ve been in and out of multiple relations, I try to understand it or as much as I’m capable of, but I look for an acknowledgement of my feelings, is that too much to ask for? I need you to understand that I like you a lot but at times it feels like talking to an emotionless person, that I’m letting you in just to have myself broken apart, it feels like you’re gonna walk away no matter what and I’m gonna be picking my pieces like I always have.

For a moment think about this with our places interchanged, you like kimi no na wa so it would be easier for you to understand, what if you liked someone a lot, like bat shit crazy, that you can’t wait for them to meet your family and this is your first time to have felt like this and the other person tells you “look Ad* I’ve been through this a million times, since teenage, what you’re feeling is just a chemical reaction in your brain and it’s all gonna fade away” they call you a first timer, makes you feel like your feelings are worthless to them, I would be surprised if it wouldn’t break your heart to a million pieces. I wasn’t looking for a pure physical attachment, I never did, at least that’s not how I ever looked at you, I have feelings for you. It’s not like I don’t see the red flags, at this age you see em bright and clear and I still wanted it to work with you, and I’m still trying, trying with every goddamn cell of my being, to love you and maybe someday you would love me back.

And of course I fear loosing you, how do you expect me to tell you the layers of it, when one of it is, I fear loosing you and you say you don’t like possessive guys. It always felt like a one sided connection to me, as if I was just desperately trying to hold on to the little specks you left, it was like I was just a guy who was available when you had no job and you needed someone to talk to, and I was more than happy to even have that. When I told you over and over that I’m trying to find my happiness in you, my peace in you, and all I heard back was you need a solo trip, you needed a job, to get out of your house, maybe if for once you looked back at me. I know I was wrong to have ever expected it from someone in the first place but that’s what I did, that’s how I felt for you. I’m not looking for someone to save me but I guess I’m looking for someone to walk with me where I don’t have to keep fighting so hard to keep em by my side, I don’t feel so dejected. I guess all I learned is one can have physical intimacy with someone and not even give a shit about their feelings, which is bit hard for me to wrap my head around, I mean you’ve seen me naked and still didn’t see me at all.