Archive2

19th July 2021 5:36
For a long time, I’ve wished for someone to be in my life and finally someone is. From what I’ve heard, my dad’s mother forced him to buy a house at our native and his whole life he was stuck in that place, with jobs at remote corners and came home only for the weekend. And only through death he was free of that place. I’ve heard this mostly from my mom that they used to be in a good city before and we would’ve been happier if we never came to our native. Now after all theses years my mom booked a flat for me and the only
way I’m gonna be rid of this place is through my death. Our parents do things what their parents did to them and never even realise it.
Well, I returned from native sometime back and I’m frustrated and pissed at a lot of things. I would say I have a very dull life, with a lot of backlogs and shits and the only happiness or bits of it I feel is sometimes, when she texts me. There was this junior from my college Ad*, we started chatting sometime back, we met once at Delhi, spent a day together, which was really great and as far I remember I’ve wished for someone to be in my life. It would be good to have someone to talk to, might not be with N, she has her own world but I’m tired of chasing and running, I would like to stay and be with someone who looks at me, for whom approaching doesn’t feel like an effort, doesn’t feel like a fight to keep them by my side. I don’t know man, may be this is just another false hope, but who cares, I like her a little, not as bat shit crazy as N but I do and that is more than enough for me. She’s easy to talk to and I cherish her company a lot, I want to tell her that I like her but it has never worked out whenever I liked someone, I’m scared to like someone.
I’m terrified that they will leave me, after all the rejections and the failures, and miserable, horrible times. I wanted to go on the trip with her, man I really did and I could’ve but I guess we all are our own failures, our own stupid decisions.

1st Aug 21
And she’s sleeping next to me, I’ve been staring at her for some time, she has these perfect eyelashes, she seems so calm and serene, if I stare bit longer I might fall for her, may be I already have, but I never wanna feel something like that, like I felt for N, I would take feeling “nothing” any day over feeling that miserable ever again. And it never works out when I like someone anyway. Then there’s another voice in me which says, man don’t ruin her life you little piece of shit, she deserves someone happy, someone not so broken, someone who’s good enough for her, just stay away from her.
What the heck am I thinking, she’s gonna leave tomorrow for home, she has flight at 9 in the morning, its not like I ever mattered, I’m just a transit, why the fuck overthink it.

I don’t know what went wrong, I mean at the back of my mind I always did fear this would happen, one day you will leave and I will be little sad, times when i had to think of London, times when you had commitment fears, times we had fight, the thing is I just didn’t realise it would hurt like this, and I’ve no idea how to handle this
It’s like at moments it all just crashes in, silly sadness, anxiety, felling of missing you, despair, resentment, I don’t know what I should’ve done, if there’s anything I could do to keep you by my side, but i can’t imagine a time without you. At times I think I do like to travel with you, to hang back and chill, explore Goa, Himachal, since we met I’ve travelled more than past couple years and after a really long time, I can say I felt really happy and it was because of you. At times, it did mess me up and fear of loosing you has made me feel equally sad and desperate, I think maybe I should talk to you and plan how we are gonna move apart if it happens