Blueberries 🫐

12th Jan 25

It’s snowing, and I so dearly miss Lila. In my dreams, I just want to sit beside her and sip some hot chocolate, that’s all I ask for, little dreams.

She’s still at the back of my mind all day. I can be busy going about my daily chores, thinking, working, doing all the things as if it’s all fine, but it’s like something inside me broke. I do smile, but the happiness is not there. I don’t know how I got so attached, I shouldn’t be, right?

I miss her little smiles. She rarely smiled, but when she did, it was like the whole world lit up. The other day, we were talking about her work, and a part of me wanted to say to her, why are you so damn stupid? I mean, she’s the prettiest girl, she could be a model, actress, or anything she wants, and yet she chooses to be in tech. I mean, sure, you can do it if you want to, but she’s literally wasting her gift. Maybe if she could see herself through my eyes, she’d understand.

Snow, rain, they always made me sad, like I’m sitting alone in some corner of the world. I really loved her, I’d give anything to hear her say “blueberries” again. It was the cutest little thing she ever said. I guess that’s when I fell in love with her, the first time I heard her say “blueberries” it was like my stupid little heart slipped.

It feels like I’m losing my mind. At times, I just keep checking my whatsapp like a quirk, as if through some miracle she’ll ping me, and we’ll talk about everything… like how her day was, how she is. And I’ll tell her that I still miss her, that I miss her so dearly. Truth is, I know it, and you know it, it’s not gonna happen. Once someone has lost their feelings, they just don’t have anything to talk about, she might not even think about me… and it kinda hurts. I don’t know, at times, the world feels strange, and life seems meaningless.

I don’t know if I ever told you, but do you remember the blue crystal bracelet I gave you? You wore it the next day, it made me so incredibly happy, I was ecstatic just seeing you wear it, even if it was just for a day. I think I still love you. Meh, who am I kidding… this is my space, I can write what I feel, I still love you.

I understand how that accident happened between us and I wanted to tell you about my child abuse story, if we ever sit for a coffee I will tell you about it.

And there’s a part of me that keeps wondering, would things have been different if there had been no physical accident? Would she still have developed those hateful feelings towards me? I know it’s pointless to ponder over it, but I can’t help it sometimes.

I’m glad that I didn’t sleep those nights I lay next to you, I wanted to look at you, all little moments I had. A part of me knew I won’t have these moments, and I was right, so I’m glad I didn’t sleep and got to look at you for a few moments more.

And I want to sit with you, talk all the nonsense stupid stuff, and listen to all the things you have on your mind, look at you, and… and maybe, in a world not so bad, a part of you starts to like me, and I won't be so sad anymore.

After all the wishing and crying, all I'm left with is sand slipping through my hands, a feeling of crying, and nothing makes sense. The world keeps moving, people keep walking and tomorrow will come anyway. Do I really matter? Is there any sense to any of it? It's like somewhere, sometime in my life everything just went in the wrong direction.

Oh I was checking chatgpt memory other day, see what I came across

Do you still have Dobby? you never gave me a sock to free me Lila

Perhaps you could help me find someone, because I feel like i’m struggling more than I’d like to admit. Normally, I would have gone home or changed places for a few months but I seem to be stuck here. Lila, to be honest, I’m not doing so well and I’m a little scared, this sadness is overwhelming at times and I can’t bear it. I’m trying, I’m really trying.

You know, sometimes I think the world wouldn’t be such a bad place if I had Lila by my side. I might not be so sad and capitalism can go to shit, the world can burn, and I wouldn’t care any less. And it feels so frustrating and helpless, like I can’t do anything about us. I just miss her.