Don’t Wanna Go Home
7th October 2018 Sunday
11:07AM
Today it’s sunny, feels manageable, for some reason warm days are good. Yesterday while having beer and conversation office friend asked “what you feel like you have accomplished in life, any achievement you are proud of?” He told about his, “I had this stage fear when I started college, my legs used to shake on podium but then I did lot of debates and stuff in college and now am no more afraid of public speaking”
Then came my turn to tell and I was thinking, lets take a look, hmm.. I had nothing. I told him, “I don’t think I have a single moment in life where I had this sort of feeling, I seriously wanted to get into IIT, that was like my dream but I never got in”
Today morning my mind wandered off to that question again while prepping breakfast and lately it feels like my only achievement is — to live one more day.
Had breakfast and was just about to go to gym when my school friend called. He’s doing his MS, asked him about which colleges to apply to and few other college related questions, long conversation, eventually skipped gym and went to office, tried studying but couldn’t do much, not able to focus, kinda lost that drive now.
Earlier also I used to go to office on weekends and it’s quiet and perfect for study but nowadays it just seems like a waste. So came back early, ate stuff and binge watched for sometime. Till I am watching movies, listening songs or with friends, it’s all good, as soon as it’s done, that feeling pours in.
Was utterly bored so called another friend and went for movie, just now returned and writing this. I feel somewhat better now, like I will go workout tomorrow, study, not much sad of a feeling, it’s good. Will skip office tomorrow otherwise I will become that same pity potty person.
9th October 2018 Tuesday
5:44PM
So yesterday was ok, woke up late, went to temple, then gym, usual morning. Filled Purdue application, then tried geeks for geeks and did some coding.
It’s like a cycle, Fridays are pretty bad, over Saturday Sunday I try to recover from all this chaos, Mondays are scary. Monday I thought will be hard but surprisingly went fine, in second half Rajat called, he was worried about this project completion. Told him that I can work while sitting someplace else but he was pushing me to sit there only. I didn’t wanna mess my head again after a weekend recovery, which was highly probable if she came across.
Anyway, Rajat was pushing for some work and I was worried if I go home, there will be no-one and I will feel super depressed. So I didn’t wanna go home either. Went to his place, coded over there and finished that task. Basically, I am trying anything just to stay out of that sad zone. Went back home at around 10PM, ate something, watched movie for some time and slept. All in all, I was able to dodge that sad zone today.
Coming to today, had usual morning routine and came to office. Lot of stuff to code and while coding had to discuss couple of things like architectural choices, so I was sitting at usual place. It was ok till first half but second half my head got messed up.
I mean she’s around and no matter how hard I try to not look there or keep listening to songs so that I don’t hear her too but you know how it is, now at the moment I have this lost kinda feeling. There’s this annual meet tomorrow and a colleague was asking if I will be coming? I do want to go and be around people rather than being alone at home but she will be there and I’m an awkward guy. I mean I will be messed up anyways if I go and may make things awkward for her too, so it’s better to skip this all together. I guess, I’m really weird and awkward and should stay away from people in general.
I should have never come back here and now I am stuck in this dead end job. I am trying real hard to find another job but can’t study, can’t focus, so interviews are shot too. It’s just Tuesday and and I’m back to writing this shit. Don’t feel so good.
9PM
Had a demo call at 7:30 after that I didn’t wanna come home, asked office friend if he wants to hang out but he had something at hand. Thought of asking Rajat but then it’s becoming kinda daily thing, he may not like it, so didn’t ask. Although I can go to college friends at whitefield but then, umm… I haven’t told them about any of this stuff and feels a bit disconnected, they won’t understand why. I mean, I can tell it to a hundred people but I don’t think anyone will be able to help. I can probably tell my sister at US, I take her advice in all my career decisions but I guess she’s gonna scold me — a lot. She put me through college, paid my tuition fee, pocket money, even when others didn’t go to cern internship because of expenses, she put me through that too. So if I am messing up my career like this, she has all the right to do so. It feels low at the moment. Around 10 Mom called, had a long call. She was having some issue with her phone, then discussions went on to house repair and all.. but it feels little okay now.
