Eventually everything is
27th February 2019 Wednesday
8:02PM
After a long long time, I Feel Okay
She’s still around in office and it’s all same but it doesn’t bother me. I don’t wake up in the middle of nights like 3AM and think about her.
I guess it’s gone, whatever feeling it was.
It might be the MK2866 and MK677 I recently started or the time passed, who cares. I feel normal, not happy but it’s good, I can sleep atleast. I mean of-course there are moments during the day, one or two but I can breathe now. It’s not like that feeling is choking me.
I guess, I would love to get into a relationship with someone someday and feel a little less lonely but until then I’m okay. It’s like, I have finally made peace with myself. It’s okay.
I am waiting for my admits, hoping that all decisions will come by mid March. As of now, I have one offer from University of Arizona, which is kinda ok. If I get super frustrated with this job I will go there, else I will set my goals for this year, to get into one of the premium companies like amazon or linkedIn. By the time till march, I will mostly focus on bodybuilding and machine learning (AndrewNG lectures mostly). Well it’s good though.
So long…
5th March 2019 Tuesday
2:34 AM
I started out on a routine from today, technically yesterday, I wake up at 5AM, go to gym, get done with morning routine by 8AM, then sit and study till 10AM, then leave for office.
I took work from home on Friday, so Friday and over the weekends I was trying to mug up machine learning tutorials from coursera. Today was good though, I didn’t feel those lows during the day and it was pretty occupied day. Basically it’s the same old trick, keep yourself busy. Evening took mom to temple and went to bed at around 10:30, it was a pretty good day I would say. And from past few days I have been trying to avoid to see her whatsapp, instagram pics, to stop feeling like a stalker.
Then again,..
I saw her in dream and here I am making this shitty entry at 2:40 in the morning. It’s like whenever you try to do something good, you try to move your life around, something or other fucks up. All the issues start pouring in. I mean, why would I see her in dream? Why the fuck would my brain do this to me.
It really really messes me up. If I think rationally, this is nothing more than me obsessing over a girl at this point, or atleast that’s how I’m trying to understand myself. It’s like you don’t know what you are and in trying to reach her I have lost myself.
I have written in past over a million times of how I feel when I see her and the damned 3AM entries, so no point in explaining that. And the dreams are also weird, it’s like even in dreams all I’m doing is trying to talk to her. Kinda like when you try and talk to your crush for the first time.
Anyways, what else I can do other than to keep trying to move on. I need to leave that office and move out of there, it’s triggering the same old memories. I need to get out of that place before I loose my mind and maybe find a psychiatrist too.
Planning logically, I’m waiting for admits this month and in parallel focus on two things — bodybuilding and ML stuff. April will be sister’s marriage, that’s like a break point in my schedule. Returning from there, If I get into some decent college, it’s all set, otherwise, I will start preparing for interview and probably get into some good company this year.
