Fucking physical urges
13th October 2018 Saturday
11:26AM
As usual woke up around 10 feeling low, didn’t even wanna go and brush, tried searching some song to help me get up. Eventually went through all that, trimmed my beard, it was getting kinda heavy, then went to temple, made breakfast and sitting now, writing this. At the moment, I feel good and motivated, I don’t know why or how or if something’s different but it’s really good. It’ like I am a bipolar, how low times take me down the pit and make me super depressed and other times, I feel strong, motivated and happy.
I am like... ya problems are there, the entire “mess” that I made in her context, but I don’t have to face it till Monday and as one punch man says, “tomorrow’s problem to tomorrow’s me”. And I can always take Monday off if I need more time to recover. I will try to stay at home and start interview prep again.
10:02 PM
Whole day I watched this anime constantine, it’s good. Around 5 I studied for sometime, solved couple of coding problems and that’s it. Later went out with sister for some shopping, she has to shop for her wedding, it will be sometime in January. We were discussing some of the wedding stuff when I told her “I’m still not sure about my job though, I might quit”. Honestly I’m not able to deal with my own self nowadays, I have no idea how am I gonna handle all the wedding tasks and “native visit”, I don’t even wanna go home. That place is a different story in itself.
Anyway, came back around 9pm, ate some oats and was binge watching this anime overlord, 1st episode had this scene where overlord fondles with a character named albedo, this got me high. I am thinking of doing it but then it’s gonna put me down in that low again and make me an emotional wreck. I am already a little sad now after whole day, it was a good day, if I do it I’m gonna be low again but this urge, my last time was 3rd Oct it’s been 10days.
Man! What crap! Job is shot, mental peace is gone, I have like 38 bucks in bank and 60k of credit debt, what have I done in my life till now, what a waste. And on top of all this, this fucking depressing feeling is stuck like a leech and why do I have to go through these physical urges.
Health wise, I’m still doing good, I go to gym, join people for tea, keeping up the social appearances and smile sometime (may be crying inside) but mentally I am in the worse state of my life. I have never felt this bad, this embarrassing feeling, like this sadness taking over me. And I guess the only thing that has kept me from breaking down to the very last bit is my routine. At times, I was searching for ‘easy ways to end it’.
There’s this another “girl” in a team nearby, who’s friends with her and I like her too. I mean if she wouldn’t have joined this place, I might have asked out that other “girl”. That other “girl” — she’s kind cute and funny, she has such a cute voice, I can just hear her talking entire day, don’t even care what she says or if she makes any sense.
It’s all so fucking messed up.
