Only If I could write
14th October 2018 Sunday
5:14PM
Didn’t do it yesterday, woke up late and feeling exhausted. Around 12 I was getting bored so thought will workout a little, not much, today was legs, leg days are weird. Anyway, was watching some anime series and killing time, just to keep my mind off of her. No matter how hard I try, it’s like she’s always there in some deep dark corner of my brain. During the day I have strength to fight it but during night and mornings, brain takes over. I don’t know if I’m making sense.
Was pretty tired and anime isn’t that exciting, so took a half an hour nap. At around 4 I had that strong urge again, it’s almost I can’t fight it anymore, and watching porn is so difficult, it brews up that guilt and I have to strictly keep my mind off of her during that time. It’s exsanguinating, every damn moment. I want to feel good for once in my life, no regret, no guilt, just someone to like me the way I like them.
I don’t see her like that, you know, like “physically” or something. I want to connect with her, get to know her. I don’t see her like guys usually see other hot girls, I mean at times I too see some girls and think that, but she’s different. She’s really really pretty, one of the prettiest girl I have come across in my life. If she would have been my girl, I would treat her like a goddess, she would be my religion, my faith and everything. If it comes to, I will die and live for her. But then she’s committed.
How did this happen to me… am I psycho or something…
She wrote some beautiful lines on her blog and while reading that piece, I figured she would have written it for some guy she loves, and the weird part is, I feel exactly same for her. I can’t tell you what she wrote because you know…, but then if I could write and express my feelings for her, it would be something like that and maybe more.
Only if I could write or sing or find a way to show her, how much she mean to me. But at this point I’m not trying anything like that and don’t intend to. I just want to get out this job so that I don’t have to see her and move on. I can’t take this pain anymore. It’s gonna end very badly for me, I know for sure. There’s no way out, there’s no hope left, no sanity.
Over the last 2 days, I stayed at home. Usually on weekends I used to go to office and study something, this weekend I just stayed. Nowadays, I keep my balcony door open, I never did that before, I used to hate the fucking noise from outside, it’s just next to road but now this white noise fills up the space. It’s like, when bad times come, they take everything away, there was this college friend with whom I used to go out with, to kill the time mostly but couple of things happened and now he’s gone. And now am sitting in this fucking shit hole blabbering all this shit to myself, all alone.
I have come to realise, I can’t commit suicide, I don’t have the guts to do it. If I had, I would have. But it’s not like I am alive either and and I don’t see any reason to be. I guess, I should stop writing this too…there’s no reason to this either.
I deeply regret my Mumbai decision. Well, almost all decisions I made in September. There’s this regret, have I stayed over there, I would be getting better pay, working on something new and maybe would have moved on. That time I was thinking like, I won’t like the guy who’s gonna come at the other end of this process, but then, I don’t like myself now either. On the contrary, I fucking hate myself, why can’t I be like a normal guy who can make friends, can watch sports and I don’t know… maybe not feel so low all the time.
