If only my hand could express what’s in my heart
26th April 2020 Sunday
(title from seven years in tibet)
I really really don’t wanna loose her, you know how in a regular day a person has these little empty moments, in between things, for me all these little spaces are filled with thoughts of her ‘‘what if I say hi to her’’ ‘‘man! I miss her’’ ‘‘I wanna see her once’’
I know I shouldn’t be having such feelings for her I’m sorry, I’m sorry I can’t do anything about how I feel but atleast I try not to drag her in my miserable world by letting her know how it is for me. I can’t do much, atleast I won’t make things worse, I don’t wanna bother her with my petty stuff.
I know I will never be good enough for her even in a million years but everyday I wake up and try because that’s all we can do, that’s all we have in this world. I truly wish to have a connection with her, it’s okay if she doesn’t feel the same, it’s just that I can’t see her go.
If I knew I was gonna be this serious for her, I would have done things a lot differently and the worst part of all is, I can’t stop thinking about her and I don’t even know why. And for some reason I convinced myself I deserve this. I don’t know why I miss her so terribly some days like wtf is wrong with me.
28th April
No, it never bothered me a bit with the covid, the pandemic, the panic, the office, I was just scared that due to all this, she’s not gonna come to office and I won’t be able to see her. I really wish that I could call her.
On funny note, people are like go do something you’ve been meaning to do from long and didn’t have time to, now you do and it’s like- dude, there’s so much of this nonsensical pain, I’ve been meaning to commit suicide from long, how do I go about it.
I know I lost her, but still my feelings can’t let go…
And even when I can’t say I love you, I love you.
30th April Thu 7:20am
I don’t have much left to write, not much left to say, all that’s left are bit of feelings and a little bit of hurt. Atleast during office days, I could see her here and there, now I’ve even lost that, well I’ve always known that it was gonna happen eventually down year or so, either I would have gone for MS or left job so it’s okay. I know how silly and stupid it is to feel this way for her, for someone I barely know, but it is.
And all we are, are nothing more than a helpless pile of mud, running in our ordinary lives trying to be more, something more than our mere physical existence, with an illusion of grandeur of our selfs and ideas.
You may be a millionaire, a really famous celebrity, a well known scientist or a really accomplished person in your domain but in 2–3 generations nothing’s gonna matter, all your work all your life, feelings, sufferings, everything will be lost, gone in ashes, no one’s gonna know, nothings gonna matter, well unless you’re some exceptional like Tesla(not the Elon, Nikola) or Einstein but again, how many of us are really of that stature, we are just another day commoners, we can hustle all we want, we can run all we want, we’re gonna remain that, you and I, we can count on our hands the people who are gonna truly miss us once we are gone. But you and I we already know it, it’s nothing new.
I’m just another simple guy with no fancy dreams of a living, no significant desires, all I wanted was to spend a little time with her, get to know her, wanted to tell her that I truly like her, why? I don’t even know, that’s all I wanted, that’s all I ever wished.
What does it matter if I get run over by a car tomorrow, the world wouldn’t stop spinning, you will go live your life like another day and that’s just how it is. If nothing matters then why not be happy but then why I can’t seem to be.
I guess sometimes, when we have enough of necessities we start looking for non-existential meanings, trying to be happy, we forget the days when all our thoughts were to sit and put in the work, otherwise you wouldn’t get a job, you know the mediocre struggles of our life and we haven’t had thoughts of being happy or sad and feelings didn’t matter much because you just needed money to pay the next month rent, borrow from friends before payday to pay for a couple of meals.
1st May Friday 7:54AM
And I want to tell her
I like you and no, it’s not just a platonic feeling or a physical attraction, I want to understand you, I want to know you as a person, I’m here if you ever need me, so take your time because there’s nothing in the world I wouldn’t drop if you call me and It’s okay you don’t have to like me back, its okay.
In a couple of years, she would be married to someone and it’s gonna be miserable to loose the girl of my dreams but it’s okay, it was never about being with her or having relationship or tags, it was always about her happiness.
And then this pity kicks in telling me stuff like what are you gonna understand someone, you don’t even know yourself, as for happiness, you can’t give someone you don’t have and all you ever have is misery and this sad feeling. It’s like there’s too much of me in me.
