If your heart should dry, May your eyes still cry
21st December 2018 Friday
12:08AM
I miss mom, I did talk to her day before yesterday or maybe before that, don’t remember. Got to know from sis that mom had a mishap, she was on the terrace and there was a nail lying around on the floor, which got stuck in her right foot, so she went to some doctor and had bandage done. I called her tonight and she was telling me all this which made me really sad.
I mean what the hell I’m doing here, I should be out there taking care of her, rather I’m stuck in Bangalore muddling through my own pile of shitty problems. What’s the point of having a son, if he’s not there when she needs him. She has crossed 60’s and there’s no one to take care of her, on top of all this, I’m planning for Masters, then I will be gone for couple of years and she will be in much worse state. She already has serious health conditions, can’t walk much because of arthritis and due to macular degeneration, she has to get an eye injection every second month, which in itself is pretty terrifying.
I mean, neither I did any good for my mom or sister and neither for myself. If I look back over couple of years, everyone was there to take care of me and even I was super focused on building a good career, now it’s like I have lost that drive.
Today went to office, nowadays I don’t even know why I go to office. It’s so damn hard to sit near her, every minute it’s like I am fighting in my brain trying not to think about her.
I was thinking of asking Priya if I should apologise to her or should I ask Rajat about this. But then I’m still having really bad days and no matter what I do, I really mess things up, so I’m not sure if I should even ask anyone for this advice.
What if they say ‘no, don’t to talk to her’ but inside, I want to. I am okay being friends with her, I mean I’m still gonna miss her but atleast I wouldn’t have that guilt that she sees me as some low life.
There were these lines in this song . ‘If the earth should dry, May your dreams never die. If your heart should dry, May your eyes still cry’ and the cry part hit me.
