You should talk to the person
25th October 2018 Thursday
7:03PM
These thoughts kinda come while riding my bike back from office to home or at least the core of em.
I think I’m an obsessed psycho guy and there’s something seriously wrong with me. Maybe I should save money and see a psychiatrist this time.
I know she is committed to someone, maybe in a happy relationship but still I can’t get her out of my head, it’s like all I see and think about is her. At times I think “even if subconsciously I switched my job just to see her one more time, it’s all worth it, I don’t care” and this thought is so much messed up and all sorts of wrong, but can’t help it.
It’s not like I want her like a girlfriend or something. Hey! I’ve never been in a relationship so I don’t know what all that is and I don’t care, that’s like a different world to me. I just want to talk to her, maybe have a coffee with her at times. And today, I was sitting at my place like a usual day, she was discussing something, I don’t know what she was saying but that voice, when she’s trying to laugh and talk at the same time, it’s like I fell in love with it, which is again all sorts of wrong.
So yesterday I was tired and had a good sleep but as usual woke up around 3AM to pee. When I just wake up, at that instant it feels so light, like there’s no pain, no heaviness and then just a moment later when I get out of bed that feeling crashes in like an anvil dropped over head. Pouring in all the sadness and heaviness possible, up to the brim. Then I realise, “oh, I miss her so bad and there’s nothing I can do”. This wailing and moaning is taking a toll on me and it has become a regular thing now.
At that gift incident, she said “you should talk to the person” I mean what’s there to talk about, I am all sorts of screwed up and my thinking’s messed up. I don’t think I’m mentally stable. I can fall apart anytime. In an ideal world, even I would advice her to stay away from me. I mean, if I can, even I would stay away from myself.
Well since I have been telling you all sorts of “crazy”, let me spill this one out too.
I have to go home in first week of November and one reason I don’t wanna go is because I think I am gonna go crazy for not being able to see her for so long. Although she’s also on leave, so it’s not like I have a choice either but this kinda bugs me. And now you know why I am mentally unstable. I wish I would have never seen her, hell why did she switch team ….
If I think rationally, I may not like her once I get to know her. I mean everyone has flaws and so will she, this is just a platonic feeling but still I can’t come out of it. And even if in some different existence, like in Star Wars “in a galaxy far far away” if she agrees to be with me, I may not be able to keep her happy. But I can promise one thing, I will do anything and everything for her happiness, would die for her, would never leave her side… but now writing this line… I guess, that’s like what any person would do for their crush, I’m nothing more?
There’s this incident in past , when I was like in 3rd class, I had chicken pox and fever from couple of days. During those days I used to be very close to mom or say “clingy”, I never left her and if mom went someplace for long I didn’t eat and wait for her to come back.
And this one morning she had to go to temple while I was in bed with fever. I didn’t want mom to leave my side even for couple of minutes and I was not letting her go, but she went anyways. I don’t know why, but for some reason that moment or feeling kinda got stuck in me, I really missed mom. And it’s like nowadays I am living under the same sort of feeling, the only difference is, this time it’s for her
Nevermind, I’m having headache now, gotta stop writing this shit.
