Is there a way out
12th October 2018 Friday
Didn’t sleep well yesterday, waking up around 4am and regretting the things I have done, has become a regular thing now. So I end up sleeping again in the mornings. Thought will talk to manager today about US visit.
People are busy with some production bug and I am sitting in this corner pretending to be doing something. I don’t even know the entire system end to end, people around are like working on 10 different things, even people who joined after me know more than me, how did I end up here like this. It’s not like I was partying or wasting time, I haven’t even been on a vacation in long time. Day in day out, I did put in work, went to gym, studied and where do I end up, in this shit load of crap.
I am tired of starting over, trying to do it one more time, one more day.
8:04PM
A while after writing this, I was sitting at my desk trying to code something, I wasn’t feeling good as you already know and Jyoti came and said something like “hey, what happened, you look sad, had breakfast? something something…” I don’t know how she gets it but I guess she does. I was like okay, people are gonna notice, so I picked my laptop and went to ground floor. I took a short nap, then a walk and came back. It didn’t help much, I was feeling low as usual, I was like,.. I came to office to be around people, not to feel this and here I am sitting alone anyway. Had lunch, sat there for couple of hours more and then went back to desk. I tried to code again, some bug fix. Entire day was like,.. normal but kinda how you feel right after crying, your eyes feel little heavy or tired.
By 6:30 almost everyone left, I didn’t wanna go home, while leaving office, I was like, I kinda miss her and felt really sad. I don’t want to miss her, I don’t wanna see her, it’s like a fucking torture everyday.
Now, I was searching Netflix to find something to binge, ended up listening songs on youtube and lying down here like a piece of rug. At the moment, if I have just any girl to talk to or roam around with, that’s …. well I guess I shouldn’t wish for anything anymore.
9:24PM
I was listening to some songs, laid down for sometime and right now I have nothing to do, sitting alone in my room. Fridays are worse. It’s like I came out of that Mumbai hotel room but it got in me, in my bones. Mentally I am still that sad as I was that day. I don’t think it has anything to do with her or maybe she just surfaced all this up and it was always there. We shouldn’t take back some steps in life. That one decision and tossed my life to shit, down the gutter and now I regret everything I ever did.
12:47AM
So went to friends place at brookfield, it’s far but that’s the only option to have a different me. It feels bit better now, like I can try again. I guess the reason of my depression is this embarrassment, the things I said to her in that note and why the hell did I try forcing that gift to her. I kept saying to her “it would mean a lot if you can take it” what the fuck was I thinking! If she doesn’t want it, she doesn’t, just let it go man. And whenever I see her, I remember that incident and it depresses me. It’s not that I’m sad because she’s committed or ke apna kat gaya, yaar yahan to kabhi expectation thi he nahi, it’s just the way I did all that, that was really pathetic. I would like to have a beer sometime and explain all this to her, which is never gonna happen I guess.
was listening to this song, “walk through the fire — ruella” and there’s this line, “Is there a way out…”
