في صمت الحب

*persian — in the silence of love

6th May 2020 Wednesday 7:36AM

And I had a weird dream last night, it was her wedding and I was there. It was a really sad feeling, are we supposed to have feelings in our dreams? I don’t know I don’t usually have dreams and when I do have these really vivid ones, like I’m almost there, I can hear and feel things. And the ones she’s in are miserable because I’m either frustratingly struggling to talk to her or I just see her leave me and there’s nothing I can do. I woke up, typed a message on her whatsapp “hey N, can we talk someday” and like the hundred times before I couldn’t hit send.

It’s not like I have any pride or respect left, like I’m gonna look like a creep in her eyes, for all I know she already does think of me so, but it’s that I don’t wanna bother her with this petty stuff, she would have her own things, even writing this feels so idiotic at times, like dude get a life!

Anyway, I kept reminiscing about that dream for sometime but then in this side of the world, I know it’s gonna happen eventually and I wouldn’t even be there for that sake, maybe I will hear about it from someone someday or probably not even that, and that day I will drink till my guts burst, just to wake another day.

I don’t know why does it affect me so much, she’s just a person, a person I barely know. There are stretch of days when I’m not so effed up about it, its just there in some corner and other days it starts taking toll, like she’s all that I have, I don’t know what I’m gonna be if she’s not there (it’s not like she was ever there to begin with) how the heck I got myself into all this.

13th May Wednesday

Life has a funny way of bringing things back to normal and I don’t want to feel normal or okay, because it’s not.

Someday’s I just want to tell her that I’m thinking of her, I just want to say hi and ask if she’s doing okay. But then things don’t work this way, I mean you can’t have just feelings for someone and keep making entries of those over medium.

And then as each day goes we realise, it’s not worth it, the love, the anger, the calm after, the reasons, the frustration of our stupid lives. It’s just another day, you wake up because you just do, you go for run, you eat, you have a job because you just do.

If I don’t get to see next year, that would be okay with me, I guess if I knew tomorrow’s the day, I would still wake up and do the same things I do today, I would still wake up at 4 and go for a run, although this body is not gonna get me anywhere anymore, I would still sit and code because that’s what I do, I would still work to get a better life, I would still spend my time thinking of her, missing her

What does it matter anyway, we are just stupid adults finding our unreasonable reasons to live, to work for someone or something, some for kids, some for parents, some for themselves.

24th May Sunday

You know when you had a long hot dry day and evening it starts drizzling, the cool breeze starts flowing in and you pause for a moment and lament about past, you suddenly realise, damn you miss her. Well that’s how it is today, wouldn’t be so bad if I could talk to her, but it is what it is, seems like I’ve missed her for so very long, that’s okay.

12th June Friday

And some random nights I still see her in dreams and I wake up thinking all about it, over and over. You know how someday, out of blue, the sadness crashes in like a wave, bringing back all the memories, it was one of those days.

And the memories, the fucked up memories of your early childhood, day when my dad was beating me because I didn’t go to school, the time I killed a parrot, when my pet rabbit died, having lunch alone hiding in some corner at school, those shitty morning and fucked up school bus, the time when a teacher pulled down my pants infront of class as punishment and I was crying endlessly, when the fat kid beat me up after school, day when a guy slapped me during class, days when mom didn’t talk to me because I didn’t get good marks, waiting in hospital halls while dad was in ICU, the endless waiting, and more and more doctors and hospitals, at days it still feels like I’m sitting, waiting in some hospital room, the first time I proposed a girl and she walked away. But then it gives a little comfort thinking I was never happy and neither I am now, on the other side atleast I’m not getting beat up, I don’t have to go to school and I lost her, the one who mattered, what’s worse that can happen, I think I’ve been lost since the start.

While I was kid I couldn’t wait to grow up and get out of that shit school, then college I never had any money, so I couldn’t wait to get a job and earn, well in job I can’t wait to grow up and just die one day, I’m tired of all the bullshit and the heartache, seeing her pic over and over again, hating myself for who I’ve become. It wasn’t worth it and unlike bojack, it wasn’t good while it lasted, the life isn’t worth it, atleast while not having her by my side.

It’s a conversation between god and man

You created Night, I created lights. You created clay, I created goblets. You created desert and mountain and field I created boulevard and park and garden. I am he who turns stone into mirrors, I am he who turns poison into the nectar of immortality.