Just a headache
1st May 2019 Wednesday
11:49AM
And I came to office just like a normal day and on the way there was no traffic, the tech park seemed deserted, it felt good though like the world is more quitter and peaceful. When I entered office I realised it’s off today. Called my friend and asked why it’s a holiday, he told it’s labour day, funny!
Anyway, I came up to 4th floor sat at my place, drank water and read a novel for sometime which I recently picked “tin man”. Sometime later I wandered in thoughts of her, the only reason I usually come to office is so that I can have a look at her and how screwed up that is, knowing all the past.
I know I’m negligent to my surroundings, like half of the times I have no idea what’s going on around me, unless until someone comes up and tells me. It has happened a lot in past, in school days, during college, I used to miss out if there was a holiday, if there used to be some event another day. As if like I live in my own little isolated miserable world, or maybe I am what people will call “slow”, it’s like walter mitty (and she’s my kristen wiig)
There’s this feeling which I don’t have a word for, or there may be a word out there but I’m just too dumb to know it, it feels like a blend of little being scared, missing someone, waiting for a call and sadness. And if I could sing, I would sing the saddest song for her, I should have talked to her, maybe I should talk to her but I just miss her so god damn much still, that I am scared to go near her.
3rd May 2019 Friday
2:27PM
I have been taking melatonin from past couple of days, that’s the only way I can sleep now or else I just keep thinking about her.
I’m having this bad headache from past 2–3 days, it’s kinda pulsating pain in my head. I don’t know, it just all feels crappy, like I should quit all of it, leave this place and go on some hill station and take a vacation.
5th May 2019 Sunday
6:40AM
Went to sleep at like 2AM, woke up just now, didn’t want to but I was just lying in bed and kept thinking about her. Then I started thinking about how I have lost so many people in life, how much I liked my college crush and I don’t want to loose her like that all over again, it just kept getting worse, eventually I thought it’s better to get up and sit rather than just lying around. It still feels like crying, what a shitty day to start with, what a shitty life.
Maybe one of these days I’m gonna write this and finally do it. It’s not that I haven’t imagined it, I guess everyone has and if you ask everyone has their favourite ways to go about it. Mine would be either a shot to the head or a slit on the forearm with some pain killers.
It’s not that I have any attachment with this life or I belong anywhere, I never really did fit in. But then there are people who need me now. Or maybe it’s just that I’m just a coward, little piece of shit scared to do it, scared to pull the trigger.
You know how you judge someone when you have just met someone, you know just bits of them. I mean, the part where you see someone and think like “oh! he looks like he’s so happy and content”, “oh! he looks so innocent” not judging exactly but it’s kinda inherent to humans.
When I saw her, I don’t know why but it looked like she was sad, had her heart broken to pieces, still smiling while falling apart from inside. She’s different, even in a crowd of millions you can tell she has her own world, not my place to judge but that’s how she looked to me. And I felt maybe she can understand, maybe she can or maybe that’s just the image I formed of her in my mind over time, who the fuck am I really to say.
