Kintsugi

18th Jan 2020 Saturday

And I’m having a rough day, well maybe a rough life but that’s not the point. I was watching TopGun and it’s like the way Tom cruise sees Charlotte… man!! I was just thinking of her, I guess I still feel that way for her, like this take my breath away ♪ kinda beat plays in my head every time I see her. On other note, I was listening to some random song and I came across this singer Molly Burch she looks so similar. While saving the file I realise I have to put Jan 20, “2020”! 2 years went by...

I had amazon interview, got one more rejection but that‘s okay, by now I have interviewed at google, amazon(twice), dunzo, groupon, pharmeasy, gameskraft, some startups I never even heard of and not even a single selection, I must be really really dumb. I don’t know it’s like all the shit went south and home is another issue, at a point I stopped going home altogether and stayed at airbnb for couple of days, it’s just that neither I can move out nor I can talk to mom about it but then I realise, one day at a time, one step at a time… and I always miss her, maybe one day I will have the crossover.

28th Jan 2020 Tuesday

And it’s like… living has become a pain and that’s okay, it’s just that I can’t take the little happiness and hopes in between. One day you realise why it’s falling in love and committing suicide and not the other way round.

I was coming back from a friend’s wedding at Alwar and returning flight was from Delhi, so me and couple of friends planned to stay at Delhi for a day, while staying, I called Gunjan(the girl one colleague introduced as a transitive friend last year) asking if she wants to meet. We met around 6PM at connaught place, took a short walk and sat at a small cafe nearby(I’m not attracted to her or such, just keeping an open mind) then something happened and we shifted tables. And then, there was this girl sitting right across me, behind Gunjan and she looked so like N, I don’t know if she really was N or she just looked alike, it’s like for every other girl with similar hairs I think of her, like I’ve lost my senses. So I started thinking of her, this girl was with another guy and she looked sad. I got lost, wondering what would she be doing or thinking at this point.

4th Feb 2020 Tuesday

If you are here in this world why not see all the kinds of pain there are. Maybe the day I will be able to talk to her, I might not feel so strongly about her.

Oh N if I could tell you how I feel, if I could put it in words…you will always have a place in my life, a part of me always waiting... And at times I used to wonder “might be I should have done this differently, only if I shouldn’t have done that” then I remember someone told me once “everyone has their own style, if the other person feels the same for you, they will like it otherwise no matter what you do, how much you put in, it will never be right”

6th Feb 2020 Thursday

Oh god I miss her, somedays like these I just can’t take this feeling, she’s all that I think about. It’s like what the fuck am I doing sitting here, watching the love of my life slip by, right in front of my eyes. It feels like air has grown thicker and heavy, everything just seems sad. 2 years have passed and I still feel so badly for her, it’s all messed up. It’s like no matter what I say, what I do, nothing changes the fact that she’s the love of my life, at least that’s how I feel in this moment. I realise over the years I may not feel the same, time and life break everyone, we are just mere humans after all. Sometimes I feel like I just need someone to talk to, like I need to tell someone how much I miss her and seeing her makes me really sad.

It’s wrong of me to have these feelings for her, I mean I know she’s seeing someone and she doesn’t feel the same for me. At times I get these impulses in the middle of work, like just to get up, walk up to her and tell her, ‘hey N I have feelings for you, you’re the only one and I will be waiting for you as long as I can’.

Meh.. who am I kidding, I just wanna walk up to her and kiss her, she’s the only girl for whom I wouldn’t feel wrong doing so and quit this damn job, never to come back. Maybe not seeing her may help, don’t know if it’s help or it’s killing a part of me but then there’s the physicality and practicality of things.

3:51AM

I don’t know what’s wrong or why it’s so bad today, I woke up in the middle of night thinking that I’m gonna loose her just like that, it’s killing me.

It’s like... I don’t know man, I’m just some shitty guy, I write here more than I speak in my entire day and the only one thing I wish in my shitty life is to be with her for certain moments, that’s all I ask.

Still the only 4 people who know about this mess are Rajat, Priya, my sister and my psychologist(apart from me and her) and I can’t really talk to any of em for one or the other reason.

7th Feb 2020 Friday 6:07PM

Eventually I ended up crying that morning, not something I wanna admit, feels like a sissy saying it but it is. And it feels like all my feelings just end up being little “entries” here, that’s all they are.

10th Feb 2020 Monday 8:49AM

I guess, we all have been there once - we thought about ending it, for our reasons, one or the other but we had no guts to do it, to actually go through it, so congrats for being a coward.

tag