Little by little, piece by piece
22nd October 2018 Monday
5:19PM
How did I start writing this shit?
Anyway.. I thought of completing five applications this month but I don’t have any money now. Funny, how one month can topple your life around and take you down the drain. I had good amount of savings and everything was smooth until August. Now I have like 18 bucks in account, credit card is maxed out and I owe people but nevermind, will figure something out. I guess good thing is sis and mom are not here nowadays.
Last month I bought headphones for her for like 20k, when she refused to accept, I thought will return them but then wasn’t able to due to some amazon policy — electronics can’t be retuned only replaced. That 20k would have been real handy now. I could have sold them off on some other site for a lesser price but then I thought of keeping them around like a reminder, reminder to never do such stupid thing in life, never to fall for anyone like that ever again.
Today was kinda okay ok day, I took work from home, there’s isn’t much work and I don’t want to see her either. It has been long, I should have been over her by now but I’m still super scared to see her.
I don’t know what I am gonna do, I have this feeling I’m not gonna amount to much in my life, just an average person, a regular IT job, will get married someday have kids and pity over my life. What a waste of all the resources, time and efforts that my family put in.
I really like her, I honestly do, and I know she’s way out of my league, but then you know how it is.. I can’t help it…
Have to go home too in November, that’s another depressing trip down the lane. It reminds me of that shitty childhood days and even after all that pain and trying so hard, that I may be in some good job someday, where did I end up, in just another shit hole, what was the point of all that.
I don’t know man, this shit is just spiralling down more and more, I’m too tired of this. I remember days at my first job, almost every time at the end of month I had no money, that time I used to get like 30k/month. At end of the month, I was always in debt and credit outstanding and after 4yrs still the same, what have I progressed? What a fucking waste of time.
23rd October 2018 Tuesday
5:59AM
Yesterday was a real weird day, one — I came back full circle, with how I felt, second — I realised things can be much worse. It’s kinda funny though.
For the second part, around 10pm, I had like half a cup of wine and was binge watching something and… dropped my laptop. BAM!! it fell and broke, another 15–20k down the drain. My time is so bad, things can go wrong even if I’m literally doing nothing, kinda funny.
Anyway that was all ok, these things don’t even bother me now. I went to sleep at around 1 or 1:30AM and I don’t know why but I woke up around 5 feeling tired. It’s just I can’t sleep nowadays, so anyway started watching Andrew NG machine learning videos and suddenly out of nowhere this burst of feeling hit me, reminding me of her.
This super intense feeling crashes in all at once, as if like she’s the only person in my life and what I wouldn’t do to just see her one more time. At the same time I know she belongs to someone else and this is wrong. I have to move on, that’s the only way and it’s killing me deep inside, little by little, piece by piece.
I don’t know how I am gonna face her tomorrow, I need help, just a little help.
