Loosing My Religion
12th September 2018 Wednesday
It’s 3:26AM, there are water droplets dripping on AC making loud bangs, which woke me up.
Well not entirely because of the sound, I could have gone back to sleep but the sudden realisation of not having you around and this fucking depressing feeling, a heavy gulp in my throat, it’s like once I wake up I enter this sad and depressing world, inescapable, which pulls me down and under.
Oh God! I miss you so so much that it’s killing me, I want to cry so bad, I’m on verge of it but for some reason I can’t, I have tried doing it, literally. I just want to get over this.
I told you about my feelings on Friday, last day of office, I kinda always knew that you don’t like me much and maybe despise me, so I never had any expectations but it still hurts like hell.
Right after telling you, when you were saying like “not the gift, don’t do all this note thing”… I was just thinking maybe I should have never told, I mean I should have never had let myself feel like this for you. I don’t know how I get into all this but like the past 3 times in my life when I felt like this for anyone, I ended up getting hurt. And it’s like, now all I see is pain and suffering around.
At times I think of ending all this, just plain simple end, there’s no point of all this suffering again and again and it’s growing day by day, it’s almost impossible to sleep now, eating feels like forcing stuff down the throat.
New office is ok, I can somehow manage it but then I come back to hotel room, I stay alone and it gets very very lonely, at least in Bangalore I had things and routine to keep me busy. Here those lonely gaps are like 100 times intensified. I came to Mumbai last Sunday (9th Sept), it’s only Wednesday morning and it feels like, how do I explain it… this pain has been there for ages. Just like my school, I never had any friends in there and I never wanted to go to that shitty place and day after day, I just went there, had lunch alone, sat in some corner and somehow survived the day and it just brings all this back up. Everyday, every minute it’s getting heavy to bear.
And I don’t believe in God much, although my mum does but yesterday I prayed, after a long time, I don’t think I prayed ever since my dad, I just prayed to end this.
I used to go to office during standup time, just to see you, because that was the only time I had an excuse to see you and if someday you joined for coffee it was my super lucky day. I don’t know when I got like this, I never thought it’s gonna hurt so fucking bad. I just want to go back to all that, at least I was able to go through the day, even with false hopes and false happiness.
And I deeply regret the gift thing, I should have never ever done that, when you said like someone could have reported this, it hit me, like what the fuck have I done, it just sent a wrong message, like guy is trying to show off and I have no idea why I was trying to give it, I mean the fuck was I thinking…Believe me, I have sisters and I would never do anything to disrespect any girl, and apart from this, I don’t think I have ever done any such thing in my life.
At the moment I am just thinking to go back to Bangalore, I keep thinking the same whole day and I know the underlying reason, I just want all that back. Maybe I will talk to HR tomorrow, tell her that I may not come back. At least I will be at home, some part of me still left there.
I had everything perfect - wake up, hit the gym, breakfast, go to office, see you, do some office stuff, hang around with friends, come back learn violin, read novels, watch a movie or so and sleep, I mean that was just perfect but then I had to go and screw all this up. It’s like am cursed, never to be happy but ya, have a glimpse of what it looks like so that I can crave.
I was reading this Man’s Search for Meaning and it had stuff like, this guy is suffering and how having a purpose helped him survive that. I think I had some purpose, I can’t remember what now, I am just lost, deep down in all this crap. And later I read When Breath Becomes Air where the guy had cancer and he dies, but at least he had a loving wife, someone to commiserate with, so what the fuck that guy’s crying about. Anyways, I guess I am loosing track.
It’s 4:39AM will take a stab at sleeping again. Unless until some miracle happens tomorrow, I don’t think I am gonna stay here, it’s just too much.
It’s not like I want a relationship, I just want someone to listen, to talk to, someone who can share some of this burden, to understand me, then again, maybe it’s too much to ask.
I can stay here a bit longer and maybe survive this but I just don’t see any point in this. It’s gonna be just like my school days, I don’t have even a single fond memory from there. It was just there, that part, that’s it.
I was listening to this back then
