Nagma — A Beautiful Song

27th Nov 2020 7:40PM

Been sometime since I made an entry and I don’t see any point either, I mean who cares if this will be my last entry, right?

2nd Oct 2020 is the date I finally had sex, I don’t know, it’s just that I just wanted it be done with, get over it, so I texted a handler and arranged an escort. The girl was Nagma, ofcourse I don’t think that was her real name so I can write it here, she was in early 20’s I think, wore a simple top and jeans, little short but was absolutely gorgeous and cute.

Met her outside a motel and then we checked in together, at room I payed her 8k cash, she asked if I can do it online, I told her due to privacy reasons I would rather not and this is all I have at the moment, she was okay with it. She called her manager, he asked me to pay some extra to her for cab, which I did, and after all the transactions out of the way, we relaxed in the room for some time, played some music.

I told her that I haven’t done this before so I will need her help with this and I don’t want her to do it just because of the money, if she’s not comfortable with it, we can just hang out for sometime and she can leave. She said that’s okay, she’s good with it, asked me to freshen up and if I have condoms? Somehow I missed that. I don’t know, I called her handler around 2PM and he sent her around 4, I didn’t plan anything, in hurry I just went and picked her up and I had room booked one day before, like tomorrow’s the day, I’m gonna do it and get it over with, so I missed on condoms part.

But she had, so she said that’s okay you can use this, she took her top and jeans off, asked me to take my clothes off, she had black bra, man that was a sight for me to see. I was just looking at her helplessly as if not being able to move my head around, seeing me lost she told me again, “you also take your clothes off” I did.

I lay back, she came and sat on top of me, I will skip the details from here on but she took control as if she exactly knew what I’m gonna like and what I won’t. At one point I just got lost in smell of her hairs and I told her from the bottom of my heart, Nagma you’re really pretty, she said thanks and carried on, I felt a lot embarrassed looking into her eyes at some points.

Once we were done, she asked if I had smoke, she smoked one. I asked her if she wants, we can go out for dinner or something, she said there’s another place she has to go. We sat for some time and chatted couple of things like how long she’s been in this, where does she belong to and how old is she, she was 23. She booked a cab, I went down to drop her off, she hugged me said it was nice seeing you and left, I said the same.

Then I checked out from the hotel and that was that, I thought so “2nd Oct hmm..” that’s the day I lost it, at 28yrs of age. Rest of my day was pretty chill, I had a beer in my room, watched moves and roamed around.

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What does it matter after all, for people like us, we are not ever gonna be happy, there’s nothing, never gonna be anything good happening to us, out of luck or work or anything. It’s not like any girl ever liked me back, it’s not like I ever got a text from someone, miss you or like you.

I remember there was a time, I was once coming out of Bangalore airport and there was this cute girl hugging this guy who just came out, so tightly and so happily, I was like, Man!! someday I would like this very much but then no one ever gonna come pick me at the airport. All the times, whenever I told a girl I really really like her, they just stopped talking to me, seeing me like a creep.

As for job, I’ve been trying real hard, I solve couple of problems everyday on leetcode, in past 2–3 months I’ve given another 12 to 15 interviews and not even a single offer, I don’t know what they look for, do I speak shitty or I look funny, I mean what do they want? I’m still stuck in same role at current company as I joined 3 years back because of all the fuckups. 28 and still have to sneak beer in room, I can’t smoke freely, I can’t invite friends over, it’s all still shit.

My birthday was on 7th Nov, so I checked into a hotel and spent the day there. I just didn’t wanna see mom and be angry or pissed on my life, why should I even celebrate this day, tell me one thing, only one thing that happened good to me in this entire year, forget about good thing, even anything that went the way I wanted. It was the same last year, I just disconnect from fb, insta and spent the day alone, at least last year I din’t had to checkin to hotel.

Nothing’s good ever gonna happen to guys like us, we spent half our like in the same old dump and no matter what we try, what we do, we’re gonna die in the same gutter, crying and bitching and moaning, we are never gonna be rich or have those good things in our life, we are never gonna have that pretty girl by our side. We are just gonna spent a miserable life in some shitty ass apartment with some 2 bit ass dreams of happiness and the same mediocre job.

It’s like after 25 there are only 2 kinds of people, one who think they need just a break to get back on track and other who know there’s nothing gonna go their way. I wanted to take 2 years to think over and finally end it but every day just gets even more horrible and I don’t see any point in waiting. I guess killing myself would be just as calm and happy as the few moments I spent with Nagma, for few moments I could just drift off.