Next Week
17th September 2018 Monday
So I came back home on Thursday(13th Sept 6AM) It was fucking depressing at Mumbai like I was suffocating every minute over there and having an identity crisis.
It’s not like a lot of people know me in here at Bangalore too, I used to sit at some random floor in a jam packed building, lost among a crowd of white collar workers but in Mumbai I just couldn’t bear it. I get it, new place new people and it takes time getting used to but so many people jump in to give the same damn advice.
What I don’t get is, these people haven’t been in my shoes, they don’t know shit about me and if they have suffered this change why should I? If they have gone through some sad times and they think life came out great after that for them, then am happy for them. But why do they want me to suffer the same pain, so fuck off. People are like - give it time, you will like this place, one person even went on to saying it’s not always rainbows there are some sad parts in life. I mean seriously? you think I have grown up without knowing this?
About Wednesday(12th) I just went to office, cloned git repo, gone through the code, tried to pick some task to keep myself busy but that frustrating, suffocating feeling still lingered around. Finally, I booked flight tickets around 2PM and talked to the HR, told her I may not come back on Monday, she was bit shocked, asked if something happened in office or did someone say something?
Only reason I told HR was because I wanted to figure out, whether I should leave the laptop at office and go back or take it with me. Eventually she told about my leaving part to some senior, who again talked to me. That guy took me through the same bullshit story that he came from Lucknow, had same bad phase in Mumbai like I am having but he stayed and his career progressed really well and happily after, blah blah, in the end I didn’t have to return the laptop. Funny thing is, coming back was the only time I was happy in my entire trip to Mumbai.
If you would ask me to describe Mumbai for those three days I would say it’s just a city of filth, pain and suffering, atleast for me.
Anyway, I came back took a relaxing day on Thursday, finally had some decent sleep in whole week. Oh man! I felt like old me, I went to gym, had a good work out, it seemed I can fight this petty feeling, I can handle come whatever may. Although I still had kind of minor anxiety attacks, I felt extremely low for an hour or so but after a few pushups and songs, that went away.
Friday that continued, high n low part of days, I was contemplating should I talk to Rajat(old manager) about this and ask him about chances of getting my old job back? After a lot of thought I did ping and asked him to meet. He said it’s cool, come around 4pm. Went to old work place and it was like all these feeling came back, I haven’t felt so good in past few weeks. It was as they say “you only miss the sun when it starts to snow” or more like passenger says, “you know you love her when you let her go”, oh I wasn’t thinking about her at the moment, I just missed my old routine.
Met Rajat and this other guy, smoked couple of cigarettes with them, last time I smoked or drank was on 10th June 2017, I remember specific date because of a reason, will tell that story some other day. After almost a year and 3 months I smoked and believe me it felt really fucking good. For next few hours I was just happy, I didn’t worry about all the shit that happened, whether I will get the job back or not, it was all just ‘light’ as if I didn’t have a worry in the world. I thought I should start smoking again and may be regularly now.
Then came back home, read novel, binge watched some shit and slept. Saturday was ok, I woke up late, hit the gym, thought of taking mom and sis out for dinner, plan didn’t pan out, so went to friends place at night, it’s not like am very much connected to those friends either but it’s better than being alone at home, came back late at night and slept.
Sunday was same, first half of the day I was thinking should I go back to Mumbai and try again, may be I can survive there, after all pay is good. And second half was making me sad just because of the thought that I have to go back and more than that there’s this complication with coming back - I will have to see her again, which is gonna kill me, I guess if my friend would have been telling me this story, I would have said “bhai sab jagah hug diya hai tune”(you have pooped everywhere).
Mom keeps pushing me for eating, eat this eat that, that’s an entire story in itself, how do I explain her, eating is the last of my worries. At the moment of writing this, I just wish to have my old job back or any job for that sake after leaving Mumbai else I will be jobless and without any routine and to cherry it up I will have financial crisis — “dhobi ka kutta”. Will worry about her part later, at least once I have old routine I will be busy enough to take my mind off her I guess. I am trying to compartmentalise my decision.
I may be doing wrong things, making all the wrong choices but then I have prayed and asked for help and I don’t see any. So I guess am gonna do whatever it is and move on, at least in Bangalore I think positive and can handle this.
