I see you walking by, like my life’s slipping by

31st Dec 2019 Tuesday

It’s the time of the year when you see everyone going on trips, having celebrations, festivities and I’m trapped in this sad little world, sitting alone in my room, staying late in office because I don’t wanna go home either, maybe I’m just crying over the same things over and over again, not making any sense. Atleast being a programmer, you feel a little control in digital world because in actual life we have none.

If I don’t wake up tomorrow know that I’m at a good place, it’s not like I had a rough life, I guess there are people who have it far worse, people struggling to get the basic necessities, it’s just that my brain wasn’t so kind to me, it made up its own sadness for no apparent reasons.
Morning got call from recruiter, rejected from Google, well it’s okay though, it didn’t matter much to me anyways but she did.

3rd Jan 2020 Friday 7:50 PM

Mom came back from home around 30th Dec and sister too from US. To be honest, I don’t like staying with mom, I feel like I’m capped, not as productive as I can be, like someone tied my hands and dropped me in a pool. I don’t know or maybe I just hate her, I know saying this makes me a horrible person but it is, I don’t hate much but I hate my mom and staying with her takes a toll on me.

And to think on that side, I like N but then there’s a part of me which is like, “jo apne maa ka naa ho saka wo kise aur ka kya hoga?” If I can’t love my own mom, what will I ever love anyone else, it makes me feel really shitty. Eventually you start hating the person you live with and yourself.

But then I’m just a fucked up little kid, not much of a man, the daily rejections, suffering and this sadness, it all just never ends, mom can’t live alone at home, I can’t live with her, I’m a horrible guy, I mean who feels this way for their own mother.

And I want to tell mom that I can’t stay together, this is really killing me, it’s ruining my career (maybe I’m just putting the blame on her) but how? what do I actually say to her, she will just end up getting emotional. And my head is always hurting, it’s like there’s this constant chaos, always feeling like an utter failure, I can hardly sleep.

Yesterday, I went to office like a normal day but then I saw her and I panicked like old days, so I left from there, sat some place else. Today I tried again, I sat there but seeing her still gives me a very different feeling, overwhelming, like it’s not something I wanna feel. Today was Priya’s birthday and I was casually wishing her while N was sitting right next to her and I ended up looking towards her, which messed up my head completely. I just don’t wanna feel this way, for anyone, ever.

For the office part, I started looking for a job change but then I have to prepare for it, which is screwed- thanks to mom and my mental state is fucked up- thanks to N, then there’a a part of me which is like, “jisko karna hota hai wo kar leta hai, nai to bas rota rehta hai” (if a person has to do something s/he will, or they just keeps crying about situations)

All I have is a couple of years, to make something out of my career or I’m gonna be just another mediocre guy and I’m gonna blame it on my family, my situations, everything else, never knowing if I actually had it in me. I gotta prove it, prove it to myself. Anyway I’m a shitty looser, living a crappy life, what I gotta loose.

6th Jan 2020 Monday

Saw her today and it popped in my head out of nowhere, like..

Do I like still like her? More than anything in this world

Do I still have feelings for her? Those are the only feelings I have

Do I still think about her? she’s all that I ever think about

and she has a page something like “w* m* s*” and someday I would wanna tell her, I’m sorry I don’t know where’s yours but you were mine(sorry I can’t write the name of her page here) For the context of stories, there was this line from Princess Carolyn

They comfort us, they inspire us, they make a context for how we experience the world. But also, you have to be careful, because if you spend a lot of time with stories, you start to believe that life is just stories, and it’s not. Life is life, and that’s so sad, because there’s so little time and… what are we doing with it?

And at times in office, I see you walking by, my throat feels heavy like my life’s slipping by.

N I’m sorry for acting like a little brat but can we please talk someday? I don’t know what’s wrong with me or why I feel this way for you.