Nothing matters

16th February 2019 Saturday

And the thing is, by this point of life you must have realised that there’s no meaning or true purpose in this life. A charade of mundane jobs and false ambitions just to go through it, to kill the boredom, to give a false sense of accomplishment and belonging and everybody knows it.

But we still fall for some stranger and then try and make sense of things, in reality, all that was ever written for us is pain and suffering.

12:21PM

Yesterday I woke up at 5AM and my mind wandered onto weird thoughts.

It’s not good and I shouldn’t be writing this but it’s like what if she’s in a physical relation with someone and they are having “the thing” right about now. And this thought messes me up, killing me inside, I know I shouldn’t be thinking like this and it’s wrong mindset but it is. And it just keeps me up.

It’s not like I can’t find someone just for a physical relation but I don’t wanna, I mean why would I mess someone else’s life knowing that I’m still hung up on her. I just don’t wanna do that to someone else(maybe not to myself)

Got an admit from university of Arizona but then I’m like, what’s the point of building a career and stuff, when the person who actually mattered to me, I have already lost.

All my brain does is keep thinking about her. I am reading golang at the moment and paused in the middle of session and started writing this shit.

19th February 2019 Thursday

3:15PM

Am I a creep?

Yesterday she left social media, whatapp and stuff, I hope everything’s fine with her and I’m kinda worried if she’s about to leave job? but she’s still coming to office. I will probably ask someone if she has put down her papers or something. I still have to apologise to her once and do it in person rather than giving note or sending a text. And I know, it’s only gonna hurt me in the end but still have to do this.

How fucked up this is, that my universe is centered around her and she doesn’t even wanna talk to me.

On a different note, it’s kinda weird not being able to see her pics, it’s like something’s missing. Just a random thought- if a girl likes a guy and it’s one sided, it’s love but if the same thing is from a guy’s end, he’s a creep and stalker. I mean? am I just a creep? I don’t know, I maybe, I’m still figuring out my feelings, fuck, figuring out who I am.

And it’s like all the time, I am in this state- just about to cry, need to get over it.