Those too are also mediocre at best
22nd Feb 20
I was thinking she must have gone to native and I will get to see her only after holi vacation which is pretty long time but then today morning she came to office. She was wearing something yellow and was coming in towards the desk while I was going out, I looked at her for a minute, felt happy that she’s back early, said a quick ‘hi’ to her, she waived back, it made my day.
It’s been almost a month, of course she would never know how dearly I missed her and to some extent I’m still bat shit crazy for her. For her I might be no one, for me she's the only one. Even today I wouldn’t wish for a thing more if I have her by my side, that’s all my stupid brain thinks of.
(so I type these little messages at times on whatsapp and like a million times before all I do is type em, never to hit send)
And then there’s you… I was never this guy until I met you, like there’s a distinctive version of me before and after you. It’s like my “self” crumbled into pieces looking at you, all of me was just an illusion. I mean everyone knows there’s no sense in any of this but then one day or to say over time it settles down on you, blurring all your perspective and vision. You stand alone in some corner, smoking, having no thoughts at all, it’s just pure sadness, you know it by now like a part of your being, you can almost see it, you feel it in every dreaded moment of your existence, helplessness of it all.
And then you go again, start having feelings for someone else and it gets so confusing, even knowing it’s just gonna hurt you in the end because no one’s alone like you, everyone’s seeing someone or may be it’s just that there’s something wrong with you, which you already know. More than that, by now you are scared if you will ever feel the same for anyone in life or it’s all just gonna be shit show from here on out, well I would wager on the former. oh, fucking feelings…
For all the things I ever wanted to say to a you and it feels like that person never existed, all that ever remains is this utter chaos.
The thing is I don’t know if I will ever be able to stop missing you, I don’t know if I will ever be able to tell you how I feel, I don’t know if you will ever understand.
But then she’s N, bright and serene like the moon, all alone in the sky, everyone looks up to it but no one gets to be with it.
and the fairy in your dreams had wings, she’s destined for the skies
and you are a mere human walking the earth with your petty dreams, I do see her like a goddess, and we pray to gods we don’t think of being with em.
And somedays all I think about is, I just wanna die, I’m tired down to the core of all this living and hurting
People just keep walking out of life, all I ever wanted was a connection… and then some stranger comes, you catch feelings for em and they just walk out. I don’t have the energy to do any of it, I’m just tired.
At this point it feels like if someone(or anyone) walks into my life, I will give her my all, do all I can till my last to give her all the little comfort and happiness I can because at this point I’m grasping at very little and I would take the slightest of hope, I don’t know what I am anymore, I just don’t want to be sad or scared like this all the time. What a horrible little world to live in.
I think I need to take a step back I’ve been looking so hard to find someone, that little connection, that I missed to live. For once I wanted to feel how is it to be liked by her the way I like her, although I don’t deserve it.
I have wished for you, more than I’ve prayed in my entire life. I know there’s no point to any of this but we could have talked, I was just looking for a little help, or maybe I’m just a little psycho. For all I know, you might have a perfect life and I have no right to do any of this to you.
And at times it feels like I’m just repeating myself, blabbing the same stuff over and over again, nothing matters, nothing changes, shitty feelings never go away. It’s not that I want you or I need you, it’s just that I miss you, I have feelings for you but then those are all I have.
You know I wanna talk to you, you know the way I feel when I look at you, still you ignored me. The pain of loosing you weaved a kind of sadness in my identity which I’m always gonna carry, although you are never there, still that part is.
I know you left me long back or for that sake you were never really there... still why every night before falling I pray, please don’t leave me N.
So please believe me N when I tell you, the way I feel for you because I don’t have much to give you than my feelings and words, those too are also mediocre at best.
