May 30, 2019
Regrets and apologies
22nd December 2018 Saturday
11:57PM
Yesterday was secret santa and you know I really wished that I get her name in the chit. But I didn’t, I got name of some random guy, who happened to be telling me sometime back that all this secret santa thing is crap, why to waste money and I was trying to explain him, it’s not about the gift, it’s about the happiness and festivities.
Anyway, during gift exchange, I said “I already gave gift to the person with a hint note and let’s see if that person can identify?” and someone in the gathering shouted her name. I was like WTF! I couldn’t see who that was but of-course whoever said it, I guess knew the back story. But then, what do I care, I don’t give a shit even if the whole office knows and what all shit they think of me. Only thing that matters to me is what she thinks of me.
And my secret santa was my manager, so that’s there(good that I brought a return gift). I recently heard from somewhere that he’s divorced and I was like — if a girl can leave a guy like him, then there’s something really wrong with this world, I was like... I’m not even half as good as him, so I never stood a chance.
Anyway, after gift exchange and all, I went with Priya to cafeteria to discuss some stuff over coffee. Well actually to take her advice, if I should say sorry to her
I started conversation by asking if we had mid-year hike, I wanted to reflect like “apologising” was one of the topic and not the ‘only’ topic I wanted to discuss. But then she took the conversation on a different trajectory, explaining how I need to showcase my work, I do a lot of stuff but fail to represent it and all that. And all the time while she was talking, I was thinking — I don’t give a shit about any hike or any of this shit ass job, I can barely get through each day, not falling apart and at times I’m just thinking of committing suicide, pay is the least of my worries. But then what does she know, can’t blame her.
After sometime, when she was done explaining and I asked her if I should go apologise to her, she said — “No, just act casual, she is not at all concerned about this, she has never mentioned about ‘me’ or that incident ever. So just act casual”. Then I tried explaining it to Priya, that on the last day she told me how I made things uncomfortable for her and things were weird for her due to me, that I didn’t say anything to her back then but now I want to tell her, I never really meant for things to go like that and basically I’m sorry for all the things I did. But then Priya said — “just act casual and forget about all this, she is not concerned about it”. Then again, she shifted the conversation to “job” and all that, maybe even she was trying to avoid that discussions.
The weird part was, we went down back to 4th floor, she said “you go on ahead, I will come later otherwise it will look awkward”. I felt little bad hearing ‘it will look awkward’ part like people don’t want to be seen with me or what? I consider Priya and Rajat as a close friends, they probably know more about my life than my family does. Maybe I was overthinking, yet again I can’t blame her for this.
If you see the world from my eyes, it looks like, everyone’s hurt and in pain, walking around with happy faces and fake smiles. A world full of so much of sorrow and suffering, people hurt so deep in their hearts, they have forgotten how to feel or care. Work at day, cry at night and next day be ready for work again.
You know, I really liked her and I still do. I always wished good for her and always will, never had any other intentions. But at the end of the day, where do I end up, it hurts, it hurts like hell, even after so long. While writing this, it feels like tears will start falling and I won’t be able to stop.
There was this line in bojack, “Kelsey, In this terrifying world all we have are the connections that we make. I’m sorry I got you fired, I’m sorry I never called you after.”
It’s like I am stuck in that moment of regret, wish I could explain this to her.
