Saudade
25th Feb 2020 Tuesday 1:43AM
(an unusually descriptive story and out of chronological order, should have placed before Kaonashi)
It was 17th Feb(Monday morning) I was travelling from home to Bangalore. It’s an 8 hours bus journey from there to Delhi and then flight from Delhi to Bengaluru.
I started around 8PM from my native place, somewhere around 1AM bus had an accident, a sedan bumped into the bus from back and then there was police call and big fuss around it, this all took around an hour. Anyway, so I took the next bus, paid for the ticket again and got on, around 4AM this bus had an accident too, a truck came from behind and broke the side view mirror, again an hour gone.
My flight was at 6:50AM, I reached airport around 6:30 and rushed to the checkin counter with little hope and as expected, I missed my flight. Went to booking counter and asked for next flight, it was for 22k, of course I couldn’t pay that much.
So I kept my bags down, sat on a nearby bench and ate some snacks from my bag, fuck everything I needed to have breakfast. I searched for flights, next cheaper flight was next day for 7k at 10:30AM, so I booked that, then booked zostel and went there. I was just tired and sleepy, I wasn’t pissed or angry, it just was.
Checkin was at 11AM but I reached early around 8AM so had to kill some time, had another breakfast there for an hour :D well, things we do to kill time. Then I got room around 10 AM, took a bath, had tea, roamed around, and came back to room, watched mind hunter on Netflix and slept. Man! that was some good sleep. Woke up around 4PM, before sleeping I had pinged Gunjan that I missed my flight so she said, she can meet if I’m free and she can leave early from office. We met around 6PM at a place called Farzi café, it was a good place though. I asked her If she wants to have beer, she said ‘yes, please’. She was pretty frustrated with all the stuff at home. Her mom had cancer, she went through couple surgeries in and around last December and now she’s on chemo, so Gunjan has to do chores and stuff. Maybe that’s the reason we connected, she was looking for someone to hang out with and somehow I was there. Then we talked about all the random stuff, cursing people, marriages, societal pressure, well we have very antithetical opinions about most of the stuff. Anyway, had dinner, then dropped her to the metro and came back to zostel.
At this point this feeling starts settling in, alone in some city, so I went out and bought a beer and couple of smokes, went to terrace to chill out. There was a couple, an Indian guy and a foreigner girl, they were having beer and smokes, so I went ahead and asked “hey!, would you mind if I join?” and they were really welcoming. The guy was from Chandigarh and the girl was from Chile, they told how they both met in Cambodia and both were backpackers, we shared some good stories. Around 1AM I went back to my bed, slept in an instant. Morning woke up at 6, took metro to airport, Delhi airport sucks it’s like an endless walk. Flight had a transit stop at Varanasi for 1hr40min, on which some new passengers boarded.
18th Morning
Man! that stop! I was sitting on window seat and there comes this tall lean girl, she had her hairs coloured, deep red. She looked very different and this is what I call “serendipity” she sat next to me on the middle seat. So I gave it a couple of minutes, people settled down, no buzz around and I said “hey! I’m Ai*” she said “hi” and then I asked her something like “so you’re going to Bengaluru?” (flight went to Koachi, Bengaluru was just another transit) she said “yes”, she took another minute and said “oh sorry, I’m Shreya” and then I introduced myself like I’m working for so and so company and asked her on similar tracks. She told she’s working for ‘t̶h̶i̶s̶t̶h̶i̶s̶’ IT company, little different tech than mine, has been working from 3 years, passed from ‘t̶h̶i̶s̶t̶h̶i̶s̶’ college, came to Bangalore just couple of weeks back and she doesn’t like it at all. She stayed at Bellandur in a PG and how frustrating the traffic is, food issues, etc. She came from Pune and how much she wanted to go back. I told her, I’ve been to Pune during my college days, my sister used to work for ‘t̶h̶i̶s̶t̶h̶i̶s̶’ company back then so I stayed there for couple of weeks, in fact I too like that place, it’s peaceful, less crowded than Bengaluru. Then conversation steered towards weddings, she was returning from a wedding and she caught cold due to weather changes, how her parents are asking her to get married and bit of other stuff around it, then to family, how many siblings she has, I told her about mine. I mean, the conversation just flowed. Initially for couple of minutes I was thinking, okay ask her this, maybe that, don’t let the conversation die (I know I suck at it) and every minute I was thinking “Ai* lean into things, take your time, don’t be anxious” otherwise I think I usually come off handed, like kinda asking too much, creepy. Eventually it felt like we connected and I wasn’t trying.
Then she told, she might move back to Pune as she got another project there recently, it’s just how early she might have to leave and she’s super tired of all the travelling and shifting.
Sometime later, she took a nap and I was watching Mind Hunter, when she woke up I asked her what all she watches, anime or tv series, she doesn’t, so I suggested her some like porco rosso, castle in the sky asked her if she plays any instrument, told her how I tried picking violin couple of months back but really sucked at it and now it’s packed getting dust in a corner, she told she’s into some sort of African music dancing(sub saharan maybe, I had no clue about this) she asked what kinda music I listen too, I said like punjabi english, anything with heavy bass and we were discussing how far Bangalore airport is from city. By the time we were about to land, we figured we can share a cab, so we collected our luggage from conveyors belt. While getting off the plane when she stood, I realised she’s really tall, I might have just reached upto her eye levels max, funny this never happened :D I wasn’t intimidated by that but I tried to compliment her on that “hey Shreya you’re like super tall” to be honest I wanted to compliment her on red hairs, I have a sorta weakness for coloured hairs but then I thought, she might not like it so didn’t say it.
Anyway so we took the cab, we were still having conversation, how she’s gonna be the only one for this tech on her new project in Pune, she was a bit worried if she will be able to handle it alone, I tried to say like “you’ll do well”, then we were discussing how company HR’s mess up everything, she might have to travel just the next day due to some HR’s fuss, giving her no time to pack and settle down, general stuff around tech and companies. We were almost near to my place, I knew I had to get down and I was thinking, please I don’t want to go, it’s very rare for me to connect with someones so well, I mean I have said it in past, I write here more than I speak in my entire day, it’s like it doesn’t feel so sad if you have someone like her to talk to(but then while writing this, I realise, life’s never so considerate). She asked if I’m on social media? man! in my life no girl ever asked me this before I asked her and I was like ‘I left social media sometime back’ (I actually did because all I did was just see pics of `N` and it was making me miserable) so she said ‘give me your number’ I gave her my number, couple of minutes later she said ‘okay, give me a call if you ever come to Pune’ and she gave me a miss call from her number, oh boy! was I happy (I thought about asking her number but was too chicken to do so)
So I was about to get down at my place and I realised- hey, in my luggage I have a pen-drive, I was working on making a playlist sometime back which was still on that drive (bit embarrassing to admit but I guess some part of me planned for a situation like this) while getting down, I took it out and gave it to her, told her ‘it’s a parting gift, just a playlist’ because after all the things, there’s always a lingering feeling, fear, that people are gonna walk out and I may never get to see em, at least if it’s the last time we were gonna see each other, I wanted her to remember.
Came back to flat, cleaned a bit, bought groceries and slept like a log and woke up back in my little prison. You know how people say I’m thankful that this happened or that worked out, for once in my life I felt that to some bit, I was happy that I met her, if that’s the reason my bus had accident and I missed my flight I’m more than happy.
Next day like usual, went to gym, then an hour study and then to office, for a bit I was worried how I’m gonna react seeing N, would I panic, would I be numb? She didn’t come and that kinda helped I guess. I was thinking to ping Shreya, I should’ve pinged her yesterday itself to check if she reached okay? but then I didn’t want to seem eager, I don’t know man, it has never worked out for me, I never realise if someone actually likes me or if I’m creeping them out and I was bit scared if she wouldn’t reply, so I took a day and didn’t ping her. (now while writing this, I regret not texting her)
So next day around 5 PM after a lot of thought and a lot of courage, I pinged her a simple ‘hey’ asking ‘how did it go?’
Well this is how it went for the next 2 days
screenshot1. deleted message — “I should’ve pinged you earlier, I’m sorry, if there’s anything I can still help you out with, would be happy to do so” but then I delete that, seeing a sad and apologetic connotation, I wanted to keep it light and funny
screenshot2. I didn’t say it to her, but I was in love with that pic of her, I wish I could post it but it’s her discretion and privacy. And honestly, I was worried about my heartbreak :D She didn’t reply for sometime, and I was like, okay, that’s it, I’m getting blocked now.
The good part is she told me early on that she’s seeing someone, that’s good (on a funny perspective someone like her, deserves someone taller, I mean pragmatically how many times you see a tall girl and a short guy dating, duh?)
And then I felt sad, I knew someone as pretty as her wouldn’t be single by a long shot, so from starting I didn’t get my hopes up but I think even if it’s gonna be a 100th time a rejection like this always hurts, it’s not like tech interviews where it’s okay I will try another. So I went down, smoked a couple of cigarettes, took a nicotine strip and tea, felt a little better.
You know how it is, you connect with some people just right off the bat, it’s not like you’re attracted to them but you feel so comfortable in sharing your thoughts with them, that was Shreya for me. I rarely tell people about `N` not even my closest friends, I was seeing a psychologist last year for these reasons but I told that part of me to her so easily, it just is. Then I felt like maybe it’s just something wrong with me, I catch feelings super fast for every pretty girl who’s nice to me. Having said all of it, none of it bothers me if she’s with someone or I can’t meet her, the part that bugs me is eventually down the line everyone leaves and then you lose the connection, it’s just one sided feelings and it all seems so meaningless and frustrating. I don’t know how to explain this part, I would love to talk to her and can use someone to talk to but then I’m scared that she’s gonna get pissed and block me, it’s gonna be a miserable for me all over again.
And then there’s a part of me, I shouldn’t be getting into all of this, how much shit I’m gonna take, I should be focusing on career, should be taking care of mom but then that never seems to work either.
And all I do is keep checking profile pics, if you will see my search history, you find some 3–4 recent searches always, N, Shilpa, Shreya, Zeba and sometimes Faye. And I feel shit about myself for this, like I’m just some sort of this creepy stalker, that’s all I am.
I had another episode(sort of) before leaving for Chennai, that’s gonna be another long entry for some other day.
27th Feb 2020 Thursday 11:59PM
I was writing that above entry at Jaipur airport while waiting for a pickup for a friend’s wedding (hence the over descriptive part). I came back to Bangalore on 26th morning, it was a really hectic trip, the journey from Jaipur to Kota to Bangalore, no shut eye, the heat and dust.
Then again I had to leave at 11PM for Chennai same day, mom’s Visa appointment, today she had biometrics, tomorrow is consular appointment, at this point it’s more like I’m in a trans state, super tired, I don’t even know what I feel, it’s just there, something sad, something missing I can’t explain.
I met a college friend here at Chennai and he had a traffic challan for some reasons, it’s like wherever I go I richochette my bad luck (while putting it on medium, he eventually ended up paying 15k for that challan)
29th Feb 2020 Saturday
Good thing is visa got approved, so atleast trip was productive. Yesterday, came home around 9PM and had a beer pint at a friend’s place later, which sorta helped. Today at 12:50PM I’m sitting at Leela palace interviewing for Samsung RnD, 1st round is done, waiting for second, I know it’s not gonna happen but it’s good to roam around this place. Oh, last night I had a dream about N, it doesn’t bother me much though, I understand psychologically my brains pretty fucked up. It’s like you feel so strongly for some person you can’t have a connection with, your brain starts developing a non-existential entity, it’s just trying to survive.
3rd March 2020 Tuesday 11:22PM
And you know the funny part is, there was a moment when me and Shreya were walking towards the uber pickup zone and I quickly peeped back to see if she’s not far behind. She was looking right at me as if wondering whom am I searching for and waived at me, she was right behind and that’s the instance which got stuck in my head out of all this. I don’t know why but I felt little happy in that moment, in long time, it’s okay if she’s not around but what a day that was! and her red hairs had my heart.
I wanted to say this to her but didn’t because it might have sounded creepy, I remember how she said ‘Bangalore airport is so far, no one will ever come to pick anyone up’
Well, Shreya I will always come to the airport to pick you, no matter the distance.
I haven’t seen N since I came back, mostly she would have gone to native for holi celebrations, she went last year too so its quite possible, either that or she left target, which will be kinda sad... I guess.
— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —
*Saudade is a deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one cares for or loves
