Someone I Hate And Pity
1st October 2018 Monday
Yesterday was ok, woke up, went to temple, skipped gym, had a lot to code. I don’t know if that code is gonna be used or scrapped later but I’m happy that I had some task to do and I coded for almost whole day. Evening went out with mom and sis to a nearby mall, did some shopping, came back home, watched batman origins and again some coding, slept. Pretty good day in long time
Today woke up little late, went to gym, then to temple, got late for office, skipped standup. Looks like my code is gonna be scrapped basically but that’s ok. First half I was roaming around with Rajat and another guy, didn’t do anything and wasted entire day.
Evening around 5 pinged Priya to talk over coffee, I guess she knows, she was asking couple of things from past few days. Around 6 went upstairs with her, Initially I didn’t tell her about crush story. I was thinking not to mess things more, less people know the better.
After some conversation asked Priya “do you know the mess I made back when I was here” she said “yes somewhat,… you know girls talk”. I explained her that me coming back is not related to the “crush part” rather mostly because of Mumbai and how much I regret having done all of that “her” part. She asked, why was I not sitting at 4th floor from past few days “are you in some other team?” told her that I was hiding from her as it’s kinda very embarrassing. Priya was like, “yes you shouldn’t have done all of that and shouldn’t have came back and joining at same old package makes it look like you joined for wrong reasons and if she gets to know that, she will think same.”
I guess I could have lied to everyone, that my pay has increased or make up some bullshit story but then that wouldn’t be me. Told Priya that couple of days back I was thinking of absconding because normal exit seems hard due to the situations I have put Rajat in. Priya told, well maybe you can explain him that things are not getting normal and you are not able to focus on work, which kinda made sense at the moment. She also said to maybe share this with some close friend and take his/her advice on this but then Priya and Rajat are the only two people who know about all this.
I don’t know what’s happening and why it’s happening. Well “why” part is mostly because I only messed things up, no one else to blame there. My life was going smooth and happy and then I put everything down the drain. Again I am back to square one and feeling super depressed. Man! I have been literally praying for past couple of days, for some directions, some hope and I end up getting back to the same mess. I just want all this to be over with.
What a cluster fuck I have made. It’s not that I can’t get a temp job but more like, again I won’t be able to cope up with the change and anyways it will be a temp job due to MS plans. Here I know the code I am working on and have some friends, it’s difficult to adjust with new people. If I get somewhere like Amazon or Microsoft then switching will be worth it otherwise just switching for a start-up or random company for couple of months doesn’t make sense. That brookfield friend doesn’t know about her part and MS but I told him things are not so great after joining back at the same place. He said to stay in here and prepare for a good job rather than getting temp jobs.
I can see staying here is never gonna be normal due to all this crap, no matter how hard I try. Another problem is, I can’t study nowadays because of all this, my mind is not at peace, I just can’t sit and focus, it gets lost in all those senseless thoughts.
Just need that little help this time, to push through this bad phase. I should be focusing on my career and learning new things rather, I’m getting more and more sucked into this pile of crap. Now I even hate writing this stuff and even myself more day by day.
And at home I try and look ok so mom thinks that I am doing fine and all okay and other times I tell her ‘busy with office stuff’ while I am just sulking. And just above I said I don’t lie, well that makes me kinda hypocrite I guess. Once I get admission from any, any one college I am gonna quit that day. At least, nowadays I don’t have suicidal thoughts, it has come down to absconding from job and going to Tibet.
Just how do I explain this to everyone, I was fucking depressed in Mumbai and couldn’t survive there a bit and joined back because I am comfortable with the codebase. I like the place, I mean, the building, people and just about everything. It wasn’t just all because of her. I would have survived if it was anywhere in Bangalore, even my college friends are here, should have never left.
I used to believe that religion, praying and faith is for the weak, strong have just work, dedication and will. Now I see how life breaks people and makes them do things, I don’t judge people no more.
I was afraid I won’t like the guy who’s gonna come on the other side if I stayed in Mumbai but I guess here also I ain’t same anymore. Day by day becoming someone I hate and pity, tired of all his wailing and complaining and misery.
