Stay for a moment
8th April 2019 Monday
9:39AM
And like every Monday morning, I’m still thinking if I should go to office, face her or just take work from home and skip all of it, it just doesn’t seem to get easier. Although, today I have stuff to do.
I still like her, a lot, and she’s always on my mind but it’s so damn embarrassing to see her. And to come to think of it, I was planning to ping her to talk things over, when I don’t even have the strength to look at her because of this embarrassment.
11:23AM
Just came to office and I have some time while code compiles.
Over the past few days I was kinda looking for someone, some girl to connect with and share what I feel. So I was on tinder, aisle, happn, etc.. was even trying to find anyone at office, which again never really happened. Then last Sunday I uninstalled all of it. I realised I need to stop looking, take a step back, it will happen when it’s supposed to happen, may be never, but that’s okay.
Atleast it takes the pressure off. I need to focus back on machine learning stuff maybe my masters applications, if not this semester maybe in spring. Yes, today after going home, I will start looking for spring applications and read some ML stuff.
9th April 2019 Tuesday
5:07AM
And I feel like a complete failure, it’s like in my heart I know one day I am just gonna end all of it and it scares me.
I just can’t stop thinking about her, it’s all fucked up and to be honest doesn’t feel any better than those Mumbai days.
11th April 2019 Thursday
4:50 PM
I got couple of rejects from colleges in last few days, it’s not easy to open an email from college, just to find you are not accepted, for no apparent reason at all. I kinda accepted the fact that good things don’t come to me and it’s okay, nothing really bother me now after her rejection.
Then, today morning I received and admit from UC Davis computer science department, for a while I was happy. Finally, after so long, one good admit.
I am going home tomorrow morning for couple of weeks, it’s a long time, long time while I won’t be able to see her.
I was thinking of talking to her from last couple of days(from as long as I can remember). Initially, I thought I will ping her on slack, “hey, if it’s okay,.. can we talk sometime”
But then I was thinking what if she doesn’t reply at all, that would be very embarrassing and moreover my psychiatrist told me not to talk to her.
I was thinking maybe if we meet somewhere like, while I’m going for filling water bottle or if we accidentally bump into each other somewhere, I will ask her to stay for a moment and tell her “that I am really sorry for I acted out, and all the stuff”
To be honest, I just went to office today only to see her, because after this I won’t be able to see her for a long time.
While leaving for home, there was a time while she was going somewhere, and I was leaving for home, I was right behind her. That was like the perfect moment I have been waiting for so long, I thought of saying, “hey, can we talk?”
But then it felt just like the last time, a minute before I was giving her the gift, my heart kinda spiked, there was that overwhelming feeling. And I thought, not to do it like last time, first pull a stunt and then disappear, like the last time I did and ran off to Mumbai, this time I will be gone home. If I do it this time, I will stay and face it. Anyway, I skipped asking her all together. Missed the perfect opportunity, but that’s okay.
