May 7, 2019
Stupid Dreams
25th September 2018 Tuesday
After joining confirmation, I had a week off and paperwork was supposed to start from Monday(24th Sept) so I got an interview scheduled for Saturday. Friday morning I was preparing for it and around evening met Rajat just for catching up. Told him that things may be little awkward as I’m rejoining the same team. It was a good day though atleast I had something to prepare. I like it when I’m busy and have things to do, that helps me take my mind off of her and all that depression and all unnecessary thoughts.
Saturday was super busy, morning I revised some stuff and went to zomato’s office at hsr for interview, which didn’t go well, came back around 4PM, took a little rest and hit the gym. Around 7PM went to club for a friend’s birthday party. I was super happy that night, that things are coming back and I had a productive day.
Until late night, when I saw her again in my dream. It was shadowy dusk and I was sitting at the side of this lake and she came and sat near me. I don’t know from where that lake and all that popped in my head but then silly dreams…
I woke up after that and was super pissed, it’s not the first time though, I know my brain fucks around with me with such dreams and I am kinda getting used to this fact. But that feeling lingers around in the morning and for some moments I keep thinking, how happy my world would be if “it” will be true some day, I would wish nothing more in my life. But then I know in reality no such thing’s ever gonna happen.
And so, Sunday morning was super depressing. I just watched movies entire day, slept and roamed around, did nothing, I hardly slept at night and kept worrying about Monday, going back to office and how weird things are gonna be.
On Sunday evening I started playing with this weird thought, why not end it all, not just end, sort of like “seven pounds” — A planned end, set a date and keep an open mind about it till that date, eventually decide what to do, maybe figure out a final plan.
I think everyone at around some point in life have these thoughts and they have their reasons. It’s not like I am a selfish jerk who haven’t thought about his family, the trouble they went through of raising me for all these years or I haven’t thought that it looks like- this guy just had a couple a heart breaks and broke like a brittle glass. But it’s more than that,“there’s a beauty in it”. Anyway, I don’t think I am making sense.
Then Monday, went to office and did some paper work, was waiting at first floor for laptop allocation. I was sitting at common area and reading bell jar. That’s when I met couple of my old team mates. Well, not the team mates from the team I left from, but the ones even before that. And to my surprise they were asking “when are you leaving?”, funny I just came back but it was kinda fun rather than awkward. Not their fault though, no one in their right mind leaves and comes back to the same company in two weeks. They were thinking I didn’t leave yet. I skipped meeting my last team, that is where things are gonna be super weird.
Tuesday morning went to temple with mom. There was some kind of worship occasion and frankly, I guess I have started praying. I belong among weak now, who pray and wish for things. Personally I just wish for some guidance because I have no idea what I am doing in past couple of days, well that’s that.
Then went to office at around 11PM and as expected seeing her again was not easy, it was super embarrassing. I was thinking, how I lay my feeling bare in front of her and all she would be thinking is “this creep is back, what the fuck he’s doing back in here, has he no shame”.
Somehow I managed to sit there for couple of hours and as soon as my wrist watched beeped 3PM I just packed my bag and left. I have no idea how I am gonna spend next couple of days in there like that, I can’t even imagine months. But now I have made the worse choices against everyone’s advice and no way out now. Just walk the path. Let’s see, if I can focus on my studies back again and at least take my mind off of all this, maybe get a job someplace else.
