Please don’t leave me
14th December 2018 Friday
10:24 PM
I remember couple of days back, one of my colleague and I were in lift, we were going to have breakfast at cafeteria and there was this cute kinda girl in lift and this colleague said something like “oh shite! breakfast would’ve been over by now” and out of the blue this girl replied “sudden realisations, huh!” I felt something fishy, I mean usually girls don’t reply to stranger comments, but then may be.. who knows. Yesterday I saw him having lunch with her and then I realised, he’s set!! And I was like… finally some good news in so long, atleast there’s some happiness in someone’s life and I was really happy for him. You know, how sometimes you try and find happiness in other’s life.
As for today, I’m at Tirupati for TOEFL, Bangalore slots were full and this was the only nearest exam centre. I took a nap in train, was pretty exhausted and I had this dream. In dream, we were together at some place and she wasn’t looking towards me, she was talking to some other guy and I was almost crying, trying to tell her “please don’t leave me over something so small”. I mean, it felt really sad in my dream and then for some time this feeling lingered around even after I woke up. I don’t think I’m still over her. These fucking dreams.
To be honest I’m actually thinking of going to Tirupati temple after TOEFL tomorrow and make a wish, you can guess what. Although, it’s far fetched and may be possible in some parallel universe but then I’m human after all, we have these foolish wishes. I do realise the part “careful what you wish for” from my experiences at Mumbai. Anyway, at the end of the day, I’m still sitting alone in this room, scribbling at this keyboard, thinking about her and trying to build some false hopes over empty wishes.
15th December 2018 Saturday
10:28PM
Had a really really rough day.
So I read a little bit yesterday for exam, tried to sleep early, woke up today, took half a red bull so that I don’t get sleepy during exam, everything was set. I was in middle of the reading section when electricity went off! shit! I was like what the hell, how can this happen during exam. From guy sitting next to me, came to know that it’s a common thing at this centre and he was also writing this exam for second time. I was worried, if exam doesn’t happen today my applications will be screwed.
Anyway, invigilator restarted systems and it resumed from the same timer. All good, until I moved to the listening section, which was almost over. Then an error popped up “failure to show item on event loop” with some java stack trace and this time it just happened with me, no one else in whole centre. I thought it’s okay, invigilator will restart the system and it will resume but then he tried couple of things and it didn’t. I waited for like an hour, those guys called ETS and did this and that but nothing happened.
So I almost lost my mind, I came here just to write this shit and have deadline to send scores, if I don’t get this done today I’m screwed. I almost had an anxiety attack but then I went out, had some snacks, drank some water and tried to calm myself. Let’s see what’s the solution.
I called their senior manager, explained her my situation, asked her to try getting tomorrow’s slot, waited for some more time and by the time drafted an email to ETS and called manager back. She told me, she tried her best but couldn’t get tomorrow’s slot. So, there’s that, I mean it was really important for me and I did what all I can but when destiny is set to screw up, what can you do.
Compartmentalising, I thought okay, will cry about this later, will go to temple as of now and then leave for home. So I took the stairs path which is ~3800 steps and 7km walk. I started around 3:20PM from alipiri footway, it’s a damn long journey. I had lot of thoughts, I mean why am I doing this, it’s all just utter non-sense, if wishes worked like this then there won’t be suffering in this world anymore or should I call mom and ask her if she has some wish which I can make on her behalf. On the way I came to see deer, some stacked stones, some weird plantations and just like all tourist places in India, heart shapes with some names scratched over walls, which made me think, am I one of those shit guys who do all these stupid stuff? I’m not one of them, then why am I visiting a temple with a similar intention. But then I stayed on the journey and thought will see at the end. Around 9PM I reached just outside the temple gate and then due to some mismanagement and crap couldn’t get in. Again, if destiny has plans to screw you up, what can you do, funny ain’t it! Call it fate but I couldn’t make that wish.
I was super tired, famished, had headache, almost felt like I will fall down, so I left from there, had dinner on the way back and found a place to stay for some time while I waited for the bus. Bus is at 11:50PM, I’m at this place writing this and reminiscing about this ‘day’ and her.
