Three butterflies

24th Aug 20 Mon 7:23AM

It was one of those nights, I saw her in my dreams again and woke up around 4AM sitting, thinking, but that’s not the point. I’ve been meaning to make this entry from quite some time, was just a bit skeptical if I should actually write it down, in words, over the internet, then… does it really matter?

You know how I was playing with this idea some time back of ending it all, I don’t know how or when it started but it did. So I finally set a date, I’m gonna be 28 this November, at 30th I will do it, so that gives me full 2 years and a change of months, at one perspective that’s pretty long time but then, it’s a big decision.

And from past couple of days, I think of it at random times, or more like it flows in my mind, while running or cooking or doing something, like 2 years will pass and that will be a day just like this and I will have to do it and it scares me, scares me to the core. But more than that, other times it gives me much comfort when I’m down, like - it’s okay, it’s just 2 years, you’ve made it for 28 years, 2 more years, it’s okay. It’s okay if you’re not happy it’s okay if you won’t have money, if you won’t make it to the leagues, it’s okay if I’ve lost N, it’s just, it’s just 3 months and 2 years.

Mostly, I’m gonna cover this room (or wherever I’m at) in cellophane sheets, keep a gun by my side on a table(that’s something I’ve to acquire over 2 years) along with some good scotch and lay back, think of all the thing I possibly can, look at her pictures for one last time, then close my mind and do it.

But let’s park it for now, that’s my long term plan, for short term plans I’m trying to get into Amazon or any of the faang companies, most of the time I spend on leetcode or educative io, I’m not a smart guy and I still suck at all of it but then I do try. I’ve worked for Target as senior engineer and that sucks, amazon’s not gonna be any different, but then you need something to do, it’s either this or anime.

As for the dreams when I see her, I guess those are the only times I feel something, there’s nothing in this world that I would wish more than to be with her or atleast even for a couple of mins. I don’t picture something as spending my life with her or her being with me, I don’t have any such grand illusions, it’s just that if I could spend few moments with her, I might go in peace. For all the other attachments and worries I’ve already made my peace, if tomorrow a car runs over me, that’s okay, if I get cancer that would be a blessing I guess.

I do miss her a lot.

25th Aug 20 Tue 7:02 AM

And only if she could see herself the way I see her, maybe she will understand how much she meant to me, and still does.

There’s an old dervish saying in the deserts

“The people of this world are like the three butterflies in front of a candle’s flame. The first one went closer and said: I know about love. The second one touched the flame lightly with his wings and said: I know how love’s fire can burn. The third one threw himself into the heart of the flame and was consumed. He alone knows what true love is.”

26th Aug 7:45AM

And every day goes by the same, missing her, thinking about her, hating myself more and more for being this way, it’s not that I love being in this pitty, but it just is. It’s not that I haven’t tried moving things around, I still do, but it’s always the same, somewhere between the acceptance and wretched miserable wrangling felling.

At times you know how you wish I wanna be that cool guy, is it too much to ask, for her to feel a little bit about me the way I feel for her, atleast may be not despise me. But then people have lived with a lot less and still do, I’m nothing different, I’m just another pile of crap among the million of universes of every other person. The sad part of it is, I feel I never got a chance to express how I actually truly felt.

19th Oct

I don’t know why, there’s always this voice in my head, saying over and over again, oh N.. I would want nothing more in this world than to be with you. I love her, more than I thought I could, in my own twisted sense. I don’t know if this feeling is just obsession or sadness or remorse but this is all I have. After all, we’ve lived enough to see the wretched things in this world and you know eventually everything falls apart.

She started a instagram page for her book reviews sometime back and eventually I started following it, yesterday she posted a reaction story and I got to see her and it brings back all the things in a flash

And I want to say to her, N it’s not that no one would ever love you more than me, but I guess I would never love anyone more than you or atleast I would never feel the way I feel for you

It’s okay if you’re not here, it doesn’t matter if you never looked at me or if I never existed in your world, but you’re all I have ever hoped for, you’re all I ever pray for.