Wubba lubba dub dub

24 July19 Wednesday

5:44AM

Just woke up and can’t go back to sleep, I keep watching this cynical series rick and morty (it’s dumb, don’t watch it) and keep thinking the same stuff over and over again, chance for master’s, her and regrets.

I can go for MS, it’s just a matter of 2 years but the thing is, we keep on living our life as if everyone will be there and it will all be same, unless until one day it’s not. I remember back in school days when I was in 11th standard, we shifted to Kanpur and just a year had passed and it was just another day, my sister got a call in the morning, she asked me to get ready and told me that we are leaving for home, in train she started crying, I figured it out then. The thing is, it’s not some special day, you don’t get any premonition or nothing different happens, it just does and you realise how flaky our lives are. Then you cremate the body, you watch it burn, the person who brought you to this world, the connection, all burning right in front of you and it doesn’t happen like movies, the body doesn’t burn to ashes, you can see the burnt glob left behind, getting cleaned by, you can see the ashy white skull. And you contemplate what happened to all the knowledge that person accumulated over in his lifetime, what happened to all the emotions, the heart with which he loved, all that just burnt in flames, just like that, gone.

And we promise people “I’ll be there for you, will take care” and all kinds of things, not realising our own lives are not guaranteed, it’s just a fucked up little world. I guess everyone realises that, it’s just that there’s nothing you can do about it, so we start ignoring it and start living like there’s always gonna be a tomorrow and even if we didn’t, it just makes you feel helpless and all you can do is cry and pray. There was this part in rick and morty — “Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. Everybody’s gonna die. Come watch T.V”. (iitle is from the same series, google “wubba lubba dub dub”)

Anyway, I guess I lost track of what I was thinking, ya for MS, I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do, whatever I do I have this gut feeling it’s not right. It was my only ticket out of here, could have helped myself move on from her, you know change of place, career and all but now I’m stuck in the same trash. Even if I do go, I will keep thinking mom is alone and I won’t be able to live there either, who’s gonna take care of her implants, medical bills. Sisters could have taken care, it’s supposed to be an equal responsibility but then it comes like “it’s your responsibility” hey I never saw my parents giving anything lesser for them compared to me, we all had the same education, same resources, it’s not like I went to some different school and they didn’t but when it comes down to, it’s my responsibility. I guess even I’m getting bitter with time, I guess that’s what losers like me do, all we do is complain and bitch about it.

But things happen and I don’t have the energy to write about other stuff at the moment, maybe some other day. I shouldn’t go to office today, seeing her I’m gonna loose it and I don’t want to.

5:52 PM

It’s not like I do much at home either, so I went to office. Mom called around 3:30 and asked me to come home, she wasn’t feeling well and I was anyway sitting there trying to do something with other half of my brain thinking to ask her, so I packed my bag and left from there.

She had high fever and body ache, gave her some pain killers and put blankets over her, waited for couple of hour but it didn’t get better so called an old doctor, he told to wait for a day. Although today Morning everything was ok when I left for office.

I went out again and got some new medication which doctor prescribed and all this stuff, going out on the road and these phases, make me realise I’m gonna be stuck in the same pile of crap my entire life, I will never be able to get out if not on this chance, it’s strangling, choking me. I just want to run away or finally do it, somedays it just gets really depressing and all hope I have left is I can see her tomorrow.

It’s a pretty fucked up one sided relation, it’s okay if she’s with someone or whatever makes her happy, as long as I get to see her once a day, I can survive, it’s like I’m messed up on an entirely different level.

I can’t figure out if I’m sad because of her or if I’m just sad, or if I’m sexually frustrated. More I live the more I realise, livings not really worth it.

27th July 19 Saturday

12:18AM

Over past three days lot of things changed, I changed my mind back to going for Davis, I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do or what, I seriously don’t have any clue but I’m gonna go.

Wednesday night, things didn’t get better and I had to take mom to the hospital, doctor asked to run some tests, which mom didn’t agree to. She’s in general scared of hospitals and doesn’t trust doctors at all.

Thursday was unsettling, I took leave and stayed home, while I was at home, I called my cousin brother, took advice from him. He says that this all is temporary but your opportunity won’t come back, for some months mom can stay with them and I should reconsider about master’s (but then, people say stuff all the time, when it actually comes down to... let’s just say I’ve seen some different times)

By evening mom was feeling bit better and I was still messed up about what to decide, Friday had to tell manager something. I was having headache, so evening I scheduled an appointment with my old psychologist, I mean she’s good at making me do lists though, it’s funny. But it started raining and I reached late there, so it was like just 20 minutes of discussion with her(1200 bucks for 20 min discussion). She told some things, like let’s say if you don’t go, you will always have that bitterness that you couldn’t go because of family issues and it’s just a matter of 2 years, it’s not like you are going for something wrong so why you have that guilt? While coming back home in cab, I thought what I really want, will going make me happy or atleast better than present situation? I guess yes, do I really wanna go? I guess so, so I decided to go.

I talked to manager today morning(Friday) about exit process, formal resignation and udacity course reimbursement, then came back home.

4:40AM

I woke up to pee and can’t go back to sleep now, I remember these horrible nights when I came back from Mumbai. At the moment, what I’m thinking is- if I go, we are already like 27, in next 2 years she's gonna get married and I’m gonna loose her forever ever. It’s not like I ever had her to begin with but you know accepting the fact that she’s gonna get married and there would be nothing I could do about it, it hurts, I don’t expect anyone to understand it.

My last day of job is 26th September for now and that would be the last day I will be able to see her, I remember last time how bad it was for me on 7th Sept. It’s like loosing the same person twice.

If she even gives me a chance, I would leave all of this, everything, just for a mere chance but it’s not like it’s not gonna happen, we are not even friends and she’s in a relationship. Moreover, it makes me realise, how fucked up my thinking is, I’m willing to leave all of this for some stranger but not for my own mom. I have started using ‘fucked up’ a lot, I need to get a handle on my profanity. I miss her.