If you’re not in middle of something, can we go for coffee?
17th Oct 2019 Tuesday 4:55AM
saw N in dream, I don’t know it was a weird dream,… first there were some parts from my hostel life, then some random places random things, then a neighbourhood place, some alley I pass by everyday. I saw her there, then next instant I remember, I’m at my native place and there’s a gathering of few relatives and office friends and she's there too. She is sitting on a settee next to me, she looks towards me and says “Ai*.. if you have a moment, can we talk?” I said “okay”, we went out to the backyard lawn and she says “Ai*.. I am sorry for how things went, even I was attracted to you but I’m seeing someone” and so I said “Seriously, you were ‘attracted’ to ‘me’!!” “it’s okay though, I’m doing okay, it’s not like I can kill myself, I did try doing that and I wanted to run away, leave the place, couldn’t do that either but I am doing okay now”. Then I told her “did you know, I had plans for US?” she quietly said “yes I knew” then we had conversation for some more time, discussed around manager and for some weird ass reason, Fifa, I mean why the heck Fifa? and found she uses vulgar words in between conversations.
I felt really happy, I mean if anyone asks me, that’s what real happiness feels like, irony is, it was a dream. About time, for some reason I realised I’m dreaming and woke up, what a horrible thing to do this to someone, my brain playing tricks on me, what a sadist little thing.
Every minute, every place in my shitty day, I wish that someday, some miracle happens and she walks into my life, I would give anything to be with her. I guess I do fall short of words to exactly put this feeling.
Obviously, I can’t go back to sleep now, instead make this entry and will study something. And yesterday itself, seeing Valentine, I thought I might actually move on, atleast for the couple of minutes while I was admiring Faye I did not think about N. What a horrible life.
18th Oct 2019, Friday 11:31AM
Yesterday was weird because of dream and stuff, at the end of day I thought I will ask her for coffee tomorrow, like tomorrow’s the day, if she’s in I’m just gonna “ask” and it’s decided. And today for the whole morning, half of me was like, I hope she comes in today (from what I guess she usually takes off either on Monday or Friday’s) and other half of me was really wishing for her not to come, else I’m gonna have to go through the same commotion all over again.
I came bit early to office today, settled down, checked my emails, filled water bottle, waited for her to come, she came, and I waited for another 10 min maybe, then I pinged her “if you are not in middle of something, can we go for coffee?” and it’s been like another 10 min after that, she didn’t reply.
Now this anxiety is settling in, I’m growing restless, honestly I just wanna pick my bag and run away from here, back to my room. I shouldn’t have really pinged her, made a fool of myself all over again. Or maybe I should phrased it “I hope I’m not pestering you but can we talk someday maybe” or should have asked her in person, why the hell did I have to do this…. such a fucking stupid stupid, if she doesn’t like me she doesn’t, for god’s sake just stop bothering her.
I don’t know what to do now, it’s really embarrassing and it’s like she’s sitting right behind me and ignored me, feels horrible. Atleast I don’t have to come to office from tomorrow, it’s Friday and from Monday I’m on leave, oh God what have I done.
12:23 PM
No, she didn’t reply till now, so I went down with a colleague, took a coffee and smoked couple of cigarettes hoping I might feel okay but that didn’t help either. It’s like when you have done something wrong which you shouldn’t have and so you just wanna run off and hide. And I did see her on ground floor while I was coming back after smoke, so she did have time and she still ignored me. I remember my psychologist told me not to do this, Priya told me not to do this but no.. I had to go and do it.
It’s been almost a year and I’m still muddling in the same pile of crap. All I ever wished was for her to understand how I felt for her, I didn’t wanna look like a creep or psycho trying to do that, heck on one does and so I didn’t bother her at all for an entire year but I had to go ahead and mess it all up today. Why the hell am I such a fuck up, now I have to sit here in this humiliation. Maybe I should drop papers, otherwise I’m never gonna get out of this, I can pick some temp job. You know how you pray sometime, please god, just let this once, let me have what I want, please please just this once. Why can’t I live like a normal guy, go to office, do work, go home eat food, live life, fucking shit, stupid fucking shit.
3:59 PM
All I wanted was just to talk to her once, man! I shouldn’t have done this. I thought about this for so long, every minute every second, what a drag. Just for once, would it be too much to ask, just let me have this, this once.
7:16 PM
Oh for god’s sake N , just talk to me once, I’m begging you please. I don’t know why I’m stuck like this, I am.
It took me an entire year to build this fucking wall and to latch these emotions behind it but it crumbles down in an instant just like that. If you have someone in your life it’s okay, whatever keeps you happy, of course someone as great as you deserves someone far better than me, but I need help.
8:18 PM
N, you weren’t just another girl for me, you meant the world to me, I guess for you, I was just another guy…. I’m really sorry
19th 5:23AM And these night horrors are back, fuck
