Emily

1st Aug19 5:54AM

I went to sleep around 11 and slept okay for couple of hours, then woke up just thinking about her, like what should I talk about if I ever get the chance, should I ping her on slack or ask her in person?

I know I will get one shot at it, I just have to make it count, either I can try to keep it funny and casual and pretend like it didn’t matter so much to me, that I’ve moved on or I can be brutally honest about it and tell her all the stuff like, I understand how things are and ask her if we can still be friends? But then maybe I will scare her away and loose her even as a friend or my only chance of convincing her.

I just can’t seem to focus on anything, it’s like I’m in middle of a video lecture and then my brain drifts off to why the hell I have to do whatever I’m doing, she’s gone, it’s all meaningless now. I hope I knew her a little more, so that I didn’t feel like such a psycho for having fallen for someone whom I knew nothing about. At times, it feels like I just want to look at her but not like stealing a look like a creep, with her being okay, her knowing that how much I like her and my feelings were always honest. I just don’t want to feel so wrong for having these feelings for her, I know she’s with someone and she doesn’t feel the same for me but I just want some sort of, sort of acceptance that it’s okay. I don’t know if I’m making sense.

It’s all going downhill in my life since last year, I need a break, it’s all just getting more and more lonely and depressing.

2nd Aug19 Friday

4:49PM

Dropped mom to the airport sometime back, she’s travelling to home. I guess she just gets bored here, being alone in this apartment, no neighbours who understand Hindi, atleast there she will have someone to talk to. I also have to go home in couple of weeks and take care of her bank accounts, sort out some of her investments and funds.

I got in touch with this girl from my last company, she pinged me somedays back and I’m going to meet her at around 7. She’s okay, not so pretty or something but I just don’t wanna be alone, so I asked her if we can catchup someday and planned this Friday. It’s like whenever I’m alone, I start thinking about her and it’s so damn miserable and I can’t do anything about it. I wanted to talk to her but that’s not working out, so whatever, I just don’t wanna be alone.

5th Aug19 Monday

1:01AM

So I met the girl I told about, last Friday evening, couple of things happened but first let’s find a name for her, let’s call her “Emily”

After dropping mom, I took a nap then pinged Emily to meet at “Alt”, a roof top bar nearby. We met around 6PM, took 2 beer and she’s a bit loquacious, but that’s okay, some basic stuff like how’s job, what’s new, etc and after sometime we moved on to serious discussions. She told that she was in a relationship from last 2 years with a guy, so couple of months back she told her parent about him and asked them about marriage and stuff(and guy asked at his home) with some hiccups and all, her parents agreed. But then couple of things happened and guy got engaged to another girl, which broke her heart and this all happened just last to last month, now she has no idea what the heck is going on in her life. She’s not sure if this guy was fooling around with her or if he really had some issues.

Anyway, some more talks, we took 2 more beers, some snacks, music was too loud and Emily wanted to talk, so I asked her “music’s bit loud in here, if you wanna go for a walk or come home maybe? If you feel comfortable…”

Well, there’s another story around me asking Emily “for home”. There’s this college friend who’s like full time into dating and stuff, he has been pushing me for doing all this(he doesn’t know Emily as such). He told me to flirt with her, ask her to come home, try and hold her hand, kissing and stuff…

Anyway, so Emily came to my place, she’s into anime and thrillers so we watched this movie “Alita” and we picked some more beers along the way home, drank couple of em, ordered burger and fries, took a break from movie and ate, then went to terrace. She was really sad about all that had happened in the past, she was telling what all relations she had and how none of em ever worked out, how guys cheated on her and how this guy acted, a lot of stuff (maybe I shouldn’t write about someone else’s story in detail, doesn’t seem right). I don’t know at some points, I felt Emily was dropping hints, like she said, how come you’re single but it’s good you will be someone’s prince charming, she was telling some of things related to her physical stuff, so I had mixed feelings. I was telling her about my crushes, I said, I’m always direct and honest about my intentions, If I have a crush on girl I will directly tell her, I’m like that (didn’t tell her about `N` although, I don’t open up about her). Emily said she was feeling cold so we came back in room and she was telling more stuff like recently she’s been crying every night and if that guy had other intentions, why did he force her to ask her parents about marriage and all, he could have just did a break up.

I felt a bit guilty, I told Emily, hey, you remember I was telling about me being honest and direct, look “I had wrong intentions for tonight, I wanted to try out something physical and stuff, but it’s okay, we can chill and binge watch, I just didn’t want to be alone tonight so it’s okay”. She said “I am sorry I ruined your plans and to answer your question about physical, I’m not in that phase”. I didn’t talk more about it, we discussed stuff like childhood things and rest. Sometime later I was sleepy, so she went to other room, took my laptop, might have finished her movie. She woke up bit early, around 6 and told me that she has to leave, booked a cab for her and while waiting for the cab, we took a walk. I told her “hey! I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable or something”, she said “no, it’s ok”, and we didn’t discuss that further.

She went home and pinged me, “sorry for ruining your plans but thanks, I had a great time”

Me: chill Kar yaar

She: If it’s ok, can I judge you?

Me: No, but ya go ahead…

She: you are really sweet , but casual dating and physical stuff doesn’t suit you, try getting into a proper relation.

Me: That’s a considerate way of putting it,..

She: No I mean it, you are really sweet, don’t know if you were nervous or cannot hide those feature of yours.

At the end of the day, being honest, I was just looking for sex, something meaningless, I just wanted to try it out but not break someone’s heart in the process.

And I remember my friend telling me, when the moment comes try kissing her, I thought of it at one point but to be honest, I just drifted thinking about her. I don’t think I can imagine myself being with anyone else apart from her. At one point in “Alt” Emily was telling something and I just zoned out, thinking about her I was like, someday I would love to come here with her, listen to her talk.

I don’t know it’s all messed up, its kinda one more rejection but I’m not sure if I would have been able to do it. Why it felt as if I’m cheating on her? She was never with me to begin with, then why the heck can’t I just move on. Somedays I wish, please please, this all just be a dream because I won’t be able to live in a reality where she’s not with me.

So Saturday morning I slept again, woke up late, went to gym, cleaned home, cooked some stuff and finished some of the pending tasks. Saturday night I was chatting with this girl whom office colleague introduced last month, the one in Delhi, she was sad for some other stuff. Sunday again, gym, tried completing an office project, that didn’t happen though but it’s okay, atleast I was busy doing something.

7th Aug19 Wed

5:53AM

Some days are just horrible, I just wake up in the morning feeling sad and missing her. It’s like I don’t know what the heck’s wrong with me.

She doesn’t belong with me but I have given all of me to her anyway.