Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz
18th March 2020 Wednesday
I was having a rough day(seems like every other day now), extremely sleepy, spilled coffee on myself and then I was like what the heck, why do I wake up at 5 to read, code, run or any of it because anyway it’s all shit if she’s not around.
So I went out around 11, picked a vodka bottle, a beer and couple of smokes, came back to room, chugged whole vodka in 3,4 gulps and smoked all the cigarettes. I don’t think you will get it, unless you are this high.
And now I’m listening to sad songs thinking about her, man! do I miss her
I wouldn’t lie, it’s not like I wasn’t looking out or searching for other options, I was on random dating apps, friends were setting me up, I was hitting on random girls but nothing worked and all I ended up was with more thoughts of her. It’s not like she was on my mind because I had no other options, it’s that I never felt for anyone else the way I felt for her. And how can it be, for someone I barely know, I never knew the person in first place.
Staying at home is driving me crazy, I can’t take any more of this shit, I need a schedule, a structure, that’s the only thing keeping me alive so far, without it, it all starts sucking me in like a black hole, the frustration of our mundane lives, the shit show of feelings.
It’s like in a word full of stars, all that ever shined for me was you. I know this high ain’t gonna last, the alcohol will fade off, the cigarettes burnt and all that’s ever left is this feeling for her, it’s stuck.
N if I could talk to you for once, only if I could tell you… I get it I’m a piece of shit and I don’t deserve to be in your world and my feeling are just, I don’t know… I don’t know, I just wish I could talk to you. I don’t have much to say, I forgot what I wanted to say but I had something, sorry N, I’m really sorry, please forgive me.
You know at 28, parents are asking you, it’s time to get married, settle down, atleast start looking and how do I tell them, I don’t think I understand my own feelings. It seems so immature to feel this way for someone without even knowing them and that too at this age when we are supposed to be grownups, for me love is what I felt for you but then is it? is it just infatuation? I mean I hate myself to the core, how can I even feel this way for you.
I want to text you, I want to let you know how much I like you, I want to let you know how badly I miss you, I want to tell you… tell you all of it. Sorry N, I know I’m loosing my shit and unfortunately you are the victim of it.
It’s just happy ends are only in movies, the love, the feelings, it never happens in real life, it’s just fucked up. There’s this word in the tv series- ‘how I met your mother’ — Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz, that’s how it is for me when I look at her
(*if video is taken down in future)
Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz — the closest translation would be “lifelong treasure of destiny.”
Lebenslangerschicksalsschatz is not something that develops over time. It’s something that happens instantaneously. It causes swirling like the water of a river after a storm, filling you and emptying you all at once. You feel it throughout your body, in your hands, in your heart, in your stomach, in your skin.
Have you ever felt this way about someone?
If you have to think about it, you have not felt it. Everyone does eventually, you just never know when or where.”
