Will it ever end?
3rd July 2019 Wednesday
6:54AM
And I got up with so may thoughts spinning in my head, I’m scared to go to US, I don’t have any assistantship so finance is a mess. I have an okay job here, education loan will incur a lot of debt and mom will be alone here, I will have to through some shitty adjustment phases again. I have to plan for accommodation there, flights and everything. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing, why am I even going?
And office is not going well, haven’t finished udacity deep learning course yet. Still my typical day in office is like, I go in, I think today I will ping her, I will talk to her today, then somehow I manage to skip it for the day, then come back home, back to this sadness and keep missing her. I still have feelings for her, a lot, and I have no idea what I’m doing with my life, what am I gonna do, I’m scared for the coming years, if I’m just gonna be an utter failure.
(there was this line in some movie I watched- should it be across the cradle of time from every soul, mine would find yours)
5:44PM
Talked to Priya today over coffee, I was planning to ask her if I should talk to her. After some small talk, Priya asked why do I look depressed these days, are things ok? I told her it’s mostly because of her and I haven’t moved on yet.
I told her a lot of things, like sometime back I went to a psychologist, I should have moved on by now, I didn’t expect it to get this bad and I wanna talk to her because I don’t wanna loose the person for whom I once had so strong feelings for and couple of other things. She told some stuff like, like don’t be so sad all the time, try talking to friends, this is not so bad you will get over it, at one point she said, “you didn’t even had a relationship” and I felt like, that’s the worst part, why am I so messed up for her even when we had no relation, even I understand that.
It’s like I have no right to be sad just because I wasn’t in a relationship, does it make my feelings less true because they were one sided? are one sided feeling not feelings, at times it makes me feel like I’m just some psycho.
And she said “after a year you will think about all of this and laugh on yourself”, I didn’t say this to her but I really wish “this” but I don’t think I ever will, I know how bad it is for me. Although some time later, I was thinking why was I justifying anything, she was just trying to be a good friend and I was just being a little bitch.
We had a long discussion, of no use, no help. Now I regret telling her all of that, I shouldn’t have said all that, I mean what’s the point of it, I feel much crappier now. It doesn’t help, I’m still sitting in my room, thinking about her and writing shit. I need to stop opening up to people.
I miss her all the time. It’s gone to the point where I don’t even wanna carry on, it feels like such a drag, I wish I had the gut to end it for once. I really wish to move on, I don’t wanna feel like such a piece of shit all the time. To be honest I really did try all that I can, I swear to god I really did try and I’m still trying all I can.
But the good thing is over past couple of days I have realised how bad it can get after all, at worse I’m gonna cry in my little room thinking about her, which lasts for like 15–20 minutes and then eventually I get over it. It feels so helpless but it is what it is. At some instances during the day when that low hits, I feel, it’s okay, at max what’s gonna happen, I will cry one more night and that’s it. I’m sorry N, I really am.
11:28PM
It’s like I don’t wanna live in a world where she’s not by my side, it’s too damn painful to think of her being with someone else, it hurts like hell.
It’s not like she ever gave any sign or did anything to make me feel like she likes me but I fell for her anyway and I always knew it’s just one sided feeling, so she didn’t do anything wrong, it’s just that my brain is all messed up and my life’s fucked up.
1:15AM
And I can’t stop thinking about her, it’s fucking messed up, over time it’s getting worse and worse instead of me moving on. I have no idea what to do, it feels so miserable at the moment, I just wanna talk to her, just a simple conversation, is that so much to ask? May be it will help “talking” maybe it vl mess me up even more, I don’t know but I wanna talk to her, anyway things are unbearable and I can’t sleep. For God’s sake someone please help me.
