7 years

8th July 2019 Monday

6:50PM

I finally said “hi” to her today at the office, it took a lot of courage but I did, I was scared what if she ignores me and doesn’t reply back or something. There was another colleague who was offering sweets for her recent promotion and she was there nearby so I just said a quick “hi”, she nodded “hi” and I looked at her for a moment and turned away. She didn’t smile or anything, although would have loved to see her smile.

Anyways, couple of days back when I told Priya, I want to talk to her and was thinking of pinging her on slack, she said don’t do that, just say “hi” to her once and maybe later someday ask her to talk in person casually, not to ping on slack. And it’s not like some miracle is gonna happen and out of the blue, she’s gonna come and say “hey A, let’s go for coffee, we can talk if you want”

Back then, Priya also told that she’s in a relationship with someone from like last 7 years, so I should have inquired around before making all of the mess I did or to have had any feelings for her and I was like you don’t get feelings based on all this, you just do, it’s not something you control. If I did control feelings as such things would have been hell of a lot simpler. To be honest hearing “7 years” hurt like hell, I mean I always knew she’s in a different league and I never had a shot with her and moreover she did tell me during gift incident that she’s seeing someone, but hearing 7years felt like, someone yanked my intestines out of my throat in an instant and left me lying there in agony. I don’t know why it hurts even after I knew everything but it does.

Someday, at the right moment, I’m gonna ask her to talk things over coffee and apologise to her.

On another trajectory, last Friday I asked another girl for coffee, I saw her couple of times before in cafeteria and places around, said “hi” to her while passing by, then last Friday she was sitting at ground floor waiting for something, so I told my friend, “hey I’m gonna ask her for coffee, go ahead I will catch up later”

I went and introduced myself to her, told things like, which team I’m in, which college, etc and she told couple of things about her like how long she’s been in target, which project, etc. She also told that she’s about to leave target, has plans for masters in Spain and other stuff. The thing is, it didn’t really bother me and it’s easy to talk to any other girl, unless it’s her, it’s like when I have that sort of feeling for someone, like I have for her it’s really difficult to speak, it’s like my head gets messed up, I loose my chain of thoughts.

As for this new girl, she is okay, kinda interactive, we had a decent conversation but I don’t get that feeling, it’s more of like I’m just looking for someone to talk to and she may be it, someone I can take a walk with or call during panic attacks, to keep me from feeling like killing myself. Other thing, I’m trying to pick violin again, I joined classes and will probably start from tomorrow.

11th July 2019 Thursday

3:18PM

I booked flights yesterday for visa interview on 16th. Manager asked when I’m gonna put down papers, for now I delayed that saying- let’s discuss it later but I’ve no idea what to do.

Going seems impractical, I already have a home loan EMI of 30k/month and rent at California is around 30k/month for a shared room, if I included food and all, lets say ~10k/month, I need atleast 70k/month from somewhere, mom doesn’t have that kinda liquid funds, sisters have their own things so I don’t see any option. I wish my visa gets rejected it will make things much simpler.

Moreover, mom doesn’t want me to go, I’m also scared to go and things are eventually settling down here, team is okay, gym is good, I picked up violin classes again, I have a routine, I don’t know why am I going, what the hell I’m trying to do. And on top of all this, I get to see her once a day, which is all I wished for, I am really gonna miss her. Last time I came back from Mumbai, this time I won’t have that option too, I really panicked over there, I hope I don’t do anything stupid this time.

It’s frustrating, I’m stuck in this mess and all I can tell myself is “it’s okay”. I just need some thread to help me move on, not to feel so shitty all the time.

I wish I could talk to her, I don’t know why I have so strong feelings for her, I’m really fucked up, I have never felt so worse in my life.