I was supposed to be having the time of my life
19th August 19 Monday
1:06 AM
I’m about to leave for home, have flight at 8am, a lot happened since last entry (9th Aug, Friday) that was a good trip though, I drank a bit too much and smoked a lot more than usual.
So Saturday noon around 2PM I came back to Bangalore, I was exhausted, took a long nap and woke up around 4. I was getting bored so sometime later I pinged Emily and asked her if she’s free and wants to hang out. She had plans to meet some school friend, so she said she can confirm it by 8, I said ok, by the time I roamed around, went to gym, pinged her back around 7:30 to check her plans, she was already on her way, I was bit surprised.
Anyways, so she reached around 8:30, we went out for dinner, while coming back asked her if she wants to drink? She said “yes! we will have vodka” on the way back home we picked some. Then she wanted to watch some horror movie, so I spent quite some time trying to find some, which both of us haven’t already watched and we ended up at “the exorcist”. We started watching it around 10PM, it was an okay movie. Usually, she sits on bean bag and I sit on a tiny camping chair and laptop’s far on the bed, this time she said we will sit together and she lay a small mattress on the floor and few pillows, and we started watching.
Sometime later we started drinking vodka, I didn’t have glasses so had to make do with tea cups and Emily, started with her own boarding school horror stories, how scared she gets with all this. We finished movie around 2AM and did chit chat for some time, songs in the background, around 3 I was sleepy. So I said, “okay will sleep now” she said “ok”, couple of minutes later she said, “we can sleep together if you want but nothing more than that” (again that mix signal). I said “okay”, I brushed my teeth, usual night routine and took time to think about it, I was exhausted and drowsy so told her “I will sleep in my room”. This time I wasn’t trying to do anything and haven’t had any intentions like last time.
I woke up around 8, she was still asleep, I have this fixed breakfast for quite sometime now, I make tea and take 12 soaked almonds along, so I made an extra cup for her and left half the almonds. Knocked her room, she was almost up, told her tea is ready. I took my tea in my room and started with deep-learning lectures, it’s been bothering me for sometime, this course shouldn’t have taken this long to finish, it’s not like me, back in the days I would have finished it in a week, it’s just I’ve lost track and not able to get that drive and focus. Later Emily came and started telling something, I don’t remember what now and she said “okay I will go”, I said “if you’re not doing anything at your place, stay and have lunch”, she said “but what will I do here?” I said “we can go out or binge watch something”, she didn’t wanna go out and said we will stay and binge.
I guess this time I wasn’t thinking straight and was planning to give it a try, you know making a move, so we sat and watched some random things for some time, then my friend called. I picked his call, conversation went on for couple of minutes and I came back to room, then she asks “was it your friend?”. So, yesterday I told Emily that I have a friend and last time this friend advised me to call you home, try persuading you and all that,.. suddenly Emily got interested, “what all did your friend tell you now, I want to know” I thought for a minute, then I told her, see he told me stuff like… to watch movie with you, sit close, then maybe hold hands, then keep hands on your shoulder and after some time try kissing.. and Emily seemed peculiarly interested while I was telling her all this. After this, we binge watched for some time, ordered lunch and small talk, I have no idea what all random shit we discussed, don’t even remember now but in mid while we were watching some shit, all the things my friend told, did run through my mind but I couldn’t just do it, I guess I’m not that kinda guy, I can’t do something like that unless I have feelings for someone. And in parallel she’s always there in some corner of my brain. After sometime, she was like “you have lived with family much longer and I have an advice to give you, will tell you while leaving” I said “okay” I didn’t care. We were watching some series on Netflix and it got boring, sometime later I was yawning and half asleep, so I told Emily “I will go and take a nap”, she said “it’s okay, I will go”. While leaving, she said “you should have followed your friends advice” and I was like… she wanted me to do all that!! did I hurt her? I felt bit remorseful that day.
Umm.. it was a weird kinda feeling to be honest, some parts of the day I was thinking, am I asexual or something? but I do watch porn? I’m 27, isn’t it very late to figure out my sexuality? Or am I just broken up for her. I don’t know next couple of days were eccentric, I had all weird kind thoughts running in my head. For a long time, I thought I might be sexually frustrated and I may not feel so broken if I have atleast a physical relation, you know how guys have to do the physical thing and the strong urges we get at times but still what the heck did I do.
So I tried keeping myself busy, not to think of all the non sense, found an apartment to shift to, finished some home tasks, finished office project, completed a deep-learning module, gym, talked to some college friends.
Met this ‘advise friend’ two three days later, he was like “bhai tu to bandee ka he kaat diya!! fu** ” Then he said, it’s okay though it happens, when he had phases like these and he wasn’t able to get into the zone, he used to get really drunk, make up his mind that he has to do it, said “maybe try fantasising about things, keep yourself elated and keep physical and feelings discrete”. On a separate note, next week he tried setting me up with one of his other friend’s friend, which didn’t work either, other time story.
20 Aug 5:50
And I would like to be a grown up and say I have seen a lot of things and gone through a lot of shit and I have moved on from her and it doesn’t bother me at all but in all honesty, my feelings for her never really changed and I don’t know what the hell’s wrong with me, may be I’m just mentally unstable.
21 Aug 11:20 PM
It doesn’t matter how far I ran or how long I have been gone and how hard I tried, the truth is, I missed you more than you will ever know, I missed you more than I ever knew I could.
Pride and rage I once had are far gone, the fear swept in through the cracks of shattered dreams, the sadness filling the void a little more. Piece by piece I was gone, turned into something from someone but it’s like there’s a feeling left, feeling I don’t understand anymore, for whom I don’t know anymore, maybe you. Maybe the pieces always belonged to you and you never cared to pick em up.
But the world never stopped, everyone had their expectations, the responsibilities kept piling up, the debt kept the reality in check, so you don’t get lost in your thoughts of the world you wished for.
23rd Aug, 1:23 AM
For some reason can’t see her on instagram, either she blocked me or she left it for some time, she does that though, but then she might have blocked me and one day I’m gonna loose her like that … even won’t get to see her in pictures, for someone who meant so much to me, you know memories fade, more like mental pictures fade and then you feel like, you had some feeling for someone but now there’s only hurt left, neither that person, nor any feelings, just the hurt.
Somedays, some moments, like when it’s raining or in queue at the airports, it all just kicks in, like a fit, the scary feeling of not having her around, the fear of loosing her, and that anxiety like, like you feel so sad and miserable and helpless all at once, you just need to see her for once, right in that moment, to catch your breath or you are gonna drown in this terror. It doesn’t matter if she stays connected as a friend or colleague or just strangers but it feels like I need to be tethered to her or I’m gonna drown in my own feelings. I don’t know if I even make sense any longer, if I have all this stuff just in my head.
(title is from Sylvia plath though )
