Maybe it’s too late for me
25th April 2019
8PM
You start to feel like friends are more closer than your siblings, whom you spent more than half your life with. I’m not saying it’s wrong, it’s just the way it is. The more you live this life, drinking and smoking make more sense. And it’s okay, it’s okay.
10:19PM
This home is like the shittiest place. I know it’s wrong to say it like this but then that’s how I feel and if I can’t write how I feel here then what’s the point of it. When I hear people saying they miss their home and wanna go home, I am like what the fuck, why would anyone wanna go home. It’s the place I was always scared to go to, it’s the last place I wanna go. I mean what’s the point of home, have no friends here, slept without dinner because of some quarrel, can’t watch whatever you want and have no one around who really cares, then what’s the point of this home. It’s not like I have any happy memories attached to this shitty place. Well to be honest, not much of happy memories in my past anyway, so what’s the point of this life either.
I don’t feel so good and it’s like my head is hurting all the time and I just need some quiet to cry.
30th April 2019 Tuesday
2:24AM
You know how people get addicted to smoking, it starts as one cigarette to get rid of the noises, then day by day until they get addicted, people don’t realise until it’s too late. I didn’t realise until it was too late and now I’m already done for, I just can’t get her out of my head. It’s like, all I ever think about is her
And lately I don’t know why but I really feel the need to have a physical relation, it’s like I have these frequent urges, like during my teens and it’s really really bad. I don’t enjoy doing it, it has just become a physical necessity. (I had my blood work done last month for testosterone levels, which was 826 ng/dL, which is normal) It may be the medication or sarms or whatever shit, but it’s really messing me up. I strictly don’t think of her during these phases but the thought of her being with someone makes me just depressed.
I wanted to sleep but I just kept thinking of her and how miserable tomorrow is gonna be, I am gonna go back to office after two weeks of vacation, will have to face her again. I still feel like quitting that damn job so that I won’t have to see her and get all awkward. But then I can’t, I have things to take care of.
But then leaving job is not really the solution, this feeling is always stuck to me like a leech, it never really leaves, the only solution is to quit, not just the job but everything. Just have no more tomorrow. Please N, take me in.
Please N, I’m really sorry.
