Can I stay on the phone with you at least?
26th Nov 2019 Tuesday
6:01 PM
Just came from office and about to run for gym, last 2 days I skipped gym, it’s kinda on off, from past few days I’m eating shit, sleeping was always screwed up so that’s nothing new. I’ve been just alternating between beer and melatonin to sleep here and there. Mom was supposed to come but then I booked her flight for 18th Nov and when I was about to web checkin, I realised it was my name on the ticket, called airlines but no help, got no refund either, anyway I could have booked another ticket for next week but then I thought maybe I can prepare for google interview, so I kinda delayed it.
It’s been long since last entry, I don’t even remember till what point I wrote. Anyway, as for today, she came back, I guess she was on vacation, didn’t see her from maybe more than 2 weeks, did I tell she started wearing specs, they kinda hide her pretty eyes, like they have a world of their own. I thought maybe she might be getting engaged(reason for her long vacation) well what do I know, she actually might have.
See, I will always feel a certain way for her because I know my feelings now, in this long span of time, you try to run form your feelings, you try and accept them, you fight them and you try whatever your little 3 pound of brain can possibly think of but at the end of the day you are who you are, I only know how I feel for her or how badly I miss her(wish I could write ‘felt’ or ‘missed’). But over time I guess I’ve learnt to hide them better.
And while coming back home I was thinking, there’s nothing I wouldn’t give for two things in my life, to see my dad again and to spend a little time with her but world doesn’t work that way.
30th Nov 2019 Saturday
Everybody knows this life has no meaning but then still why this longing for meaning never really goes away. I knew she was never gonna be with me, even then why did I crave so much for her. In some sense I’m dying to have a connection with someone but then you have seen the ugliness inside people, inside yourself, you can see through all the bullshit and drama. And the only person for whom I would have fought through any of it, is gone.
I’m tired of all the feelings, the urges, the job, fucking life, falling for someone, getting hurt over and over and over again, it’s the same piece of shit, it’s the same fucking mess all the time, every time. My body has its own needs, my core has feeling for someone, all going whacky chaotic. At times, I just wish to have the guts to end it, not the pain, not the boredom or feelings, just this crappy life. All I wish for is one fucked up day, something to push me over, maybe these interview failures, maybe one more falling in and out for someone or maybe just one day looking at pictures of her
Shit just keeps going south and people are like hang in there and I’m like, that’s what I have been doing all my life, for as long as I can remember. I don’t see any point of doing it any longer, if this is all it’s ever gonna be, there’s no reason to live it either. I can see my mom still waiting just for her day, after dad, she didn’t wanna live another day, it’s all just a big endless suffering for her, I mean even if at 60s that’s what people wish for, then what the heck. There was a guy at native, somewhat close to our family, around 40, married, had 2 kids, he committed suicide couple of months back, hanged himself from ceiling, I mean I can see people utterly distressed even at such later stages, so why go through it …
And the only person I yearned for, felt something or cared about, sad part is, she wouldn’t even know, she wouldn’t even care
I wrote msgs to her over a hundred times, can we please talk or I miss you or please don’t leave me, never sent, because she’s with someone, of course someone not as mentally as fucked up as me, someone who might keep her happy. How many mornings I woke up having seeing her in my dreams and crying for her, thinking please don’t leave me…but nothing ever matters.
4th Dec2019 Wednesday
I was watching Bojack(season 6) and it’s like I’m the part when he knows in actual life he’s gonna die, he’s drowning in a swimming pool and this all is just a dream, so dream Diane tells him “it doesn’t matter now” and he says “well, if it doesn’t matter, can I stay on the phone with you atleast” (I feel that way for her)
For what it’s worth, am sorry, I really am. I could apologise a million times but it’s not gonna change the fact that I can’t talk to you, it doesn’t change the part that I miss you like hell.You meant the world to me, you were the one who made whatever little sense in my world, you were the only one who ever mattered.
