When your heart breaks the spirit of your soul

From 21st Dec 2024 Sat

You texted me on whatsapp,

Hi Ashi, I feel difficult to tell you how I think in person, but I guess I own you an answer. Koki’s leaving made me realise that I actually love him, that’s true and that’s the main reason that I don’t want to continue our relationship like before but I also feel we are not suitable for each other.

Although it hurts, hearing from someone you love, that they have fallen in love with someone else is a gut wrenching feeling, still I appreciate that you’re telling me and I respect that.

I’m still not sure how kokis feeling towards me. I think currently he is mentally weak, not independent, love towards me maybe not that certain and has unstable future. I also don’t have confidence in my relationship with him. But he made me realise what kind of person I want to be with.

Look it’s alright, you weren’t sure about your feelings but the distance in relation does that to us, it makes us realize our true feelings. As for koki, I never knew him really well, but I know he’s young, so uncertainity is a part of it, no one really has that confidence but we take a risk, put ourselves out there for someone else, make ourselves vulnerable and hope for the best, so if you want to wait for him that is alright.

That’s good you found someone, who made you realize the qualities you would look in your partner. You remember I asked you once, what are the sort of things you would look for in a partner? and I don’t think you gave an answer at the time. I always wanted to know that. I was always sure about my feelings for you from the get go and I’d still like to know someday what kind of person you want to be with?

I always tried to do little little things like bringing you flowers, small small gifts or giving you compliments, learning little bit of your language to connect bit more, to make you feel like home, or morning texts of your admiration to make your day, I tried to put efforts (I was really surprised when you said you were scared to loose the ones you love, how can someone as pretty and loving as you could ever have that fear) I always had and will have time for you, if you drop me a text, I wouldn’t make you wait, I wouldn’t miss your call. I was trying to set a standard, someone as pretty and smart as you should not settle for anything less. And if you’d have told me the things you were looking for, I would’ve been happy to learn or do them as well but I never got the chance, did I Lila?

There are some people who will get your time, get your space without even putting any effort and then there are some people who will give everything they have in an instant to get a chance to be with you, and they still won’t get to see you, but that’s the reality of life. But I’m honestly happy that you know what kind of person you want now.

I’m not sure if it’s culture difference, but having ** *** is the thing bothering me a lot. That was the first time in my life someone did that to me, I also had British boyfriend but he never did that either. I found it unacceptable when I think back.

Lila, what I did was very wrong, it was an accident, you know it wasn’t intentional, I swear on my mother, it was never intentional (you might think I swear a lot on my mom or dad, but do that once in any sentence and you will realize how hard it is) But still the accident is my fault and you have all the right to blame me. I apologized to you back then and we talked about this, I tried to express somethings here https://medium.com/@natsuhiboshi/greys-anatomy-1f14b1d52820 and I told you back then, I have 3 elder sisters I would never do anything to any girl which I can’t imagine for my sisters, I gave you my elder sister’s number, so that you can talk about this if you don’t feel comfortable with me. You remember once - I was talking along the lines, is koki serious about you? and then I asked does he have a sister, and you said yes, so I mentioned, oh then he would be serious for you, the guys who have sisters they don’t do this sort of stuff with girls.

For cultural, I grew up in a family that worships the goddess - Durga, we see girls as reflections of the goddess herself. If you ask any Indian, they’ll likely tell you that we don’t take physical relations lightly, it’s a serious and meaningful aspect for us. You know how I always held your feet while talking, or how I always kissed you on the forehead, it’s sort of my way of showing my feelings towards you, feelings of respect and admiration I have for you. There’s a part in me which considers you as a part of that goddess, I don’t know if you would relate to this. You know my gods, i showed you to the temple i pray in. It was never just about being physical for me, I had more feelings and respect for you, it’s more like veneration.

I know you mentioned your british boyfriend, and I assumed he caused you pain. It’s hard for me to admit, but realizing I may have hurt you even more is devastating. We made out even after that incident and I thought you were okay, i honestly didn’t realize that it was still at the back of your mind or it was even bothering you. Why didn’t you tell me this sooner Lila?

I remember you told me once that you had a dream the someone was raping you, and now after reading your text I feel, was that because of all the things I did?

And I couldn’t stop thinking this over and over again, am I this horrible person? I mean I loved you, from the bottom of my heart, and to hear from the person that I loved that I have hurt them, in this manner, it makes me feel disgusted with myself, forget about being sorry, I literally felt disgusted with myself, I don’t want to live with this feeling. I’m a guy who never ate any meat in my life, because I believe I can’t hurt someone even a animal or insect for just one single meal to my body, it just never felt right, and now I realize I hurt you, the person I admire, the person I loved, probably gave you trauma, I can’t come to live with this. I just lay awake in the mornings thinking about this. Lila, you should’ve told me this earlier, I understand you might not told me have because you might not have wanted to hurt me, but still.

I’ve thought long and hard of anything to help you with this feeling and if you don’t have any ideas, i may have an idea which might be worth trying, someday maybe we can discuss this.

Even though it hurts, if you want to see koki or if you’re not happy with me, that’s alright, over time I could make peace with it maybe, but the thought that I put you through this, for first time in my life I felt really hateful toward myself and disgusted with myself, as if I stank, I couldn’t bear this. I know now I hurt you deeply and I can’t come to terms with that. I never realized it still bothered you, why didn’t you tell me this sooner, Lila?

Apart from that, I felt pressure everytime when you say you need to do the matching thing when you go back in India or your mom will ask you to do it. I think you are in a hurry to find someone to get married. The story you told me that your mom found your ex girlfriend asked if she wanted to get married with you, that really scared me out. I don’t think it’s appropriate behaviour. I think you should find someone else has the same thought as you, but I won’t be that person.

Look Lila, all I ever asked you was tell me, “what you’re thinking, tell me how you feel” even the last time we met, that’s all I asked, you just keep me on the outside and never tell me anything, it’s like i’m a outsider, you filter everything before telling me. Did I ever judge you or not supported you for anything? be it your office colleagues, your work or your dreams or goals? I just wanted to be your friend, closest friend before being in a relation or a partner. There’s no point in relation if you can’t rely on the person or openly talk to them about your feelings, your minds, your inner fears or dreams, however stupid they maybe. That’s the friend I wanted to be for you, maybe still do, someone you can just blurt out anything to and you know they won’t judge you, they will be there to support you, to hear you.

The reason I say this is, if you would’ve told me back then that you felt pressured because of this, then we would’ve have discussed this, and I would’ve told you , that I too felt pressured, and the reason for telling you this wasn’t to put you in any timeline, the reason was - I was sharing what’s bothering me, I just laid out my thoughts to you, honestly and openly.

Look it’s not wrong for a parent to want good things for their kid, to see their kid doing good, so i felt bad when you said “it’s not appropriate behavoiur for her” look these are our parents, they have their own things and I respect them.

For the ex girlfriend, I guess you judged me a bit early and did I tell you, me and my ex started that relation with that intention only, I made it very clear to her on second date and she did say that’s what she wanted as well? or that her parents met me as well? or anything about that? see, if we talked I would’ve told you all about it, but you never gave me a chance Lila.

But at the same time, I do love you, and I would happily wait an eternity for you, if you say - “Ashi I like you but I want sometime for myself first, I can’t give you a commitment but I want to focus and build a career” I would respect that. I would support your decision, I would love to see my partner fulfill her dreams. However, when you say “I love someone else and I want to wait for them” I would respect that and will give you space, i wish you guys all the best in life, although it hurts me but — my happiness is not above yours, I’d even give you tickets to japan, be with him, do what makes you happy, life is short Lila.

As for the “person I should find” I have left that to my life, wherever it takes me, the things I have in my control is my career and my work and I will do that with 100% dedication and efforts. When you say — “I won’t be that person ”— you never needed to be, you never had to be anyone different, atleast not for me. There’s this line from 47 ronin — I will search for you through a thousand worlds and ten thousand lifetimes until I find you — and I honestly felt like this for you. I didn’t see anyone for 2 years, after my last breakup and I was really happy being single, when you came I really had a serious crush on you, but when we started to see each other for some time, I really fell for you. Personally, I felt impatient to get married when i was 27, 28 years old but it changed once I crossed 30, I realized, it’s not a race, it’s not a tag or label, it will happen when it has to. I’m not looking for a tag, I’m looking for a partner.

I am sorry that my decision hurt you. It was also my fault to give you hope before. I guess everyone has their own difficulties and challenges in their life. Maybe you won’t understand why I need to work so much, but the truth is when I was with koki, most of our time was doing work together and we both liked it because we encouraged each other to be better person.

It does hurt me, but you don’t have to be sorry about it, don’t you remember how in the beginning i used to say, someone as pretty as you should never have to be sorry about anything, well it was childish, but hey you’re still pretty as ever, sorry for the poor timings of my miserable humour.

No, you always told me everything about koki, about how serious it could be and I alway knew, so it’s alright, I always liked it very much about you, that you felt comfortable telling me that.

Look, career and money are important but is it all that defines you? does it give meaning to our life? we need to focus a bit on what’s really meaningful in our life, for me that was you. And it’s not like I have to choose between. You might not like hearing this, but learn to find the difference between what’s valuable and what’s difficult to acquire but ends up feeling desirable.

For working hard, we all have to, this is life, I have in the past, I still do, but I would want my partner to relax a bit and live a comfortable life, maybe i’m immature to think that, but hey, we did coding together, didn’t we? I felt like I meant something, you remember i was asking what would be your dream goals, let’s say you have a open choice to be anyone in the company pick any role you want and what would that be? and that’s what you should work towards? I was trying to open up a discussion to discuss your career, ambitions, I was trying to encourage you, get to know you, but it looks like I failed, forget about being a friend to you, I feel you hate me.

We can still be friends, but I don’t want to be with you like before for sure. I hope you will be fine and take care of yourself.

Thats all i wanted to start with Lila, you remember the night we were walking by the canal, i told you — Lila, in trying to pursue as a lover, I don’t wanna loose you as a friend, you matter a lot to me, I honestly meant every word. I wanted to be your friend first, a person you can rely on, call on, and just tell anything about without a second thought. You remember I sorta hesitated on first time we were trying to make out? I honestly didn’t wanna loose you, a part of me still doesn’t. I would still like to be that friend to you Lila, It was never much about physical for me, I’m not very good at it either.

We met on Saturday and by night you texted me, then sunday morning this hits me, like bam! was her dream because of this incident, I just lay awake at 6AM thinking about this for hours. I honestly say this to you Sunday felt very low, distracted, I had mild panic attacks, felt like I was loosing my mind, like it had been weeks and i just felt like crying. I thought I should consult a psychologist, maybe I still should.

Thanks for thinking of me, but a part of just hates myself because of the moments I think I spoiled for you. Honestly, I never felt like this about myself. I never despised myself, I hope too that I will be fine.

I always felt it was one sided love towards you, and this is a different feeling Lila, it is not like other relationships, where it is halved between two people, so only I have the right over it. I know it would sound delusional and desperate, but the truth is, once in their life everyone has felt this and I felt this for you at one point. To be really honest, it was something between love and veneration, that’s just how I was grown up, you are the 2nd relation in my life of 32 years, why do you think that is?

There was a part in me which just begged and begged and cried for you to pick me, choose me, desperately, I think that part has heard so much about koki that it has died, to be honest, it always felt like it was 3 persons in relation, you, koki and his father and there was never any space for me (sorry, maybe i shouldn’t have have said it, maybe i felt jealous that he has a father)

I just hope he realizes how lucky he is to have you in his life, if you’re gonna wait for him, it’s your choice and I respect that and I won’t ever bring this or extending our relation into discussion, initially I never wanted to get this serious, I never thought I will, i’m usually a chill out guy I guess. But hey, let’s be friends first, I hope you can give me a chance to be a good friend, atleast keep an open mind about it, give me a chance till we are on good terms so that you don’t hate me, or I feel not so guilty about the things I did, it would really help me move on. In trying to spent time with you or being a good friend, I think it might help me feel little better about myself, I might actually sleep better at night and not stay up worrying what horrible things I might have unconsciously done to you.

Oh and it’s not like I’m trying to win you back or I’m hoping that we will get back together someday, one thing I have learnt the hard way from past relation and in life, once something or someone is gone, they’re gone, and there’s no way, how much ever you pray, you cry, you wish, they will never come. If someone really wanted to be with you, they will make things work, they will stay, that’s just how it is. So, I have no lingering hope, atleast i’m not as lucky as your boyfriend or other good looking guys out there.

You remember there was a point you said you blocked koki, and I told you it’s alright if you did, but don’t turn that into a bad thing, keep the happy memories, lol the irony is, I feel that happened with me. I want to keep the connection because even though you don’t have feeling for me now, but at some point in life, I truly honestly loved you and I don’t wanna loose meaning to that. I hope you can understand that. Once in a while, i would like us to say hi or sit for a cup of coffee, don’t be a stranger Lila.

I don’t feel comfortable to talk in person, that’s why I prefer to text you.

Do you mean to say you don’t feel to talk in person in general or with me only? now that i think of it, last time we met, were you scared that day to invite me to the room that I will do something you wouldn’t want?

Lila, how did we end up here, I can’t understand, I mean I’m your lover, for a time you told me you liked me as well, we literally spent nights together, we talked about each others dreams, we know each others work, you know how i feel about you, I would rather die before hurting you in any way, all i wanted was you to be happy, did i ever do anything that made you felt uncomfortable? apart from that accident? atleast tell me, did i doing something wrong unintentionally that you didn’t want or like? all i still wish is for you to be happy, i would be really happy to see you fulfill your dreams. i tried to learn a little bit of chinese, because I wanted to talk to you in your language, i just wanted to make you feel like home.

You asked me - if someday I would get a job would i leave you? and do you remember what i told you — no, i wouldn’t, you matter more to me than money or career. I would choose you over anything, anyone. I still can’t comprehend what I did apart from that incident that you wouldn’t feel comfortable with me,. did I ever force you for physical or anything? I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me, Lila honestly I wouldn’t ever do anything you won’t like, or you wouldn’t want. I really wished you gave me a bit more time.

I never even pushed you for relation, you left me over and over again, and I still kept waiting for you (not because you asked but I wanted to). I was happy to have the little connection that I had with you when we started, I’m grateful for the things I have in life Lila, and I was so damn scared to loose our connection, even though in the end it seems like that’s what happened.

Oh, and for text, i’m always scared to text you now, thinking you will just block me,. i’m not sure how you feel now, I realize you’ve lost feelings for me and that’s alright, but please don’t block me, if you can, please. If “i prefer to text you” was in general context i can understand, i mean i write all this stuff, but i would’ve probably told you all this in person and most of the times i did in the past, at this time, you would just block me if i keep bothering you with my stuff. you’re scary Lila in this sense, you can be very cold and focused at times, if you don’t want something you absolutely don’t want it, you’re very focused and driven. I hope someday you can realise how I truly felt about you, how much you meant to me.

I so badly wanted to wish you merry christmas and maybe get to see you even for 5 min, but I was so scared to text you. I just felt so desperate to talk to you, honestly you can label it as desperate, weak or whatever, the truth is I’m hurting and I’m trying to process this by writing my thoughts and feelings and emotions, the best I can. It would’ve really helped Lila, if i could still talk to you as a friend now and then, instead of writing here. At times, i feel like i’m suffocating, unable to escape and there’a nothing i can do about it, Lila if you can, let me down gently, when things become really overwhelming, i keep telling myself, just breath, just breathe.

Don’t cut me down, throw me out, leave me here to waste
I once was a man with dignity and grace